hey.

Hey hey hey heyyyyyyy :) ! So it is 11.30pm and I have finally plucked up the courage to post this post. This is going to be a bit of a different kind of post than what I usually share but I have been wanting to write it for a little while now. I have just been too self conscious. Now lets get down to business because I'm totally dramatising something that isn't even that bad.

Anywayyyyy....I'm finally booked in for a dentist appointment next Wednesday. This is a big deal for me because I have been putting it off for months, maybe even longer than a year! It got to the point where George had had enough and booked the appointment for me (more on this later). The thing is, I have been dealing with an absolutely horrendous tooth for so long I can hardly remember when the pain started. I've previously had root canal on it (back in England) but the pain & sensitivity has remained quite prominently. It's not an every day, excruciating kind of pain though, it's more of an underlying, extremely consistent and stubborn kind of pain. I am self diagnosing here, but I am pretty sure it has lead to extreme jaw aches which leads to extremeeeely annoying head aches/pain!

It turns out that I might seem to cope well on a day-to-day basis, but I become more and more of a basket case as the week goes on. Not externally though (as in no one would really notice). And not a basket case in terms of throwing my toys out of the pram and having a complete melt-down, more in the sense that I find myself not being able to concentrate on something for more than approximately 3-5 minutes which obviously makes me ridiculously pathetic at being productive and then leads to me being extremelyyyyyyy frustrated with myself and then the jaw/head pain will only intensify. It's a vicious circle. By 4-5pm I feel like I have a thick fog circling around the space between my eyes and it just can't go away.

Most of the time a good nights sleep will sort me out for majority of the next day, but now I have come to realise that I am clenching my jaw in my sleep and will wake up in pain. Starting the day in pain is nottttttttttt good.

Anyway.....you will 100% think I am crazy but with all this annoying, nagging, liveable but uncomfortable pain, I have randomly drifted off to wondering WHY I haven't sorted this bulls**t out yet! And it is the same as last time I had something worrying me (perhaps I need to get my thyroid checked ha) in the health department.....I am an absolute terrified nervous-wreck when I am not feeling 100%. It's like all I can think about is the terrible, awful, most horrendous things that could be wrong with me and I start to think that if I go see the doctor/dentist/whoeverrrrr it may be, they will tell me I am dying. Ha! It sounds crazayyyy when I type it out but it is seriously what goes through my head so.many.times.a.day.

I am totally & utterly completely terrified of death. I'm not sure if it's something most 25 year olds find themselves worrying about but I feel like I have always worried about it. It could be because I feel I really do value what I have and what I am surrounded by so so so so incredibly much. There is nothing more I want in this world than to grow old with George, have beautiful little babies with him and then see our children have children of their own. I am not afraid of growing old in the slightest, I'm more afraid that I won't get to. "A lot to lose" has never felt more true.

Plus...as we grow up, we experience extreme heartache and loss first-hand. On top of that, I feel I am bombarded with these absolutely heartbreaking stories through social media and the internet. When I read a headline (I often can't bring myself to read the whole story) of someone's struggle to fight a terminal illness I am left thinking "why them and why not me?". Because if it can happen to them, it can happen to me or to anyone. I get daily reminders from my own crazy mind on just how fragile life is and it scaressssss me!

I do recognise that this fear of mine does have it's positives. I believe that it is because of this fear that I am fiercely obsessed with living for the moment and living every day as intentionally as I can. It means that countless times a day, when I am outside in the fresh air, I will actually stop and breathe a couple deep breaths and truly let my appreciation for life sink in.

I've been tossing up back and forth for weeks about if I should share this or not. I am not an open person in regards to my weaknesses or vulnerabilities (I'll always think of people who are much worse off than me and tell myself to get over it), I hate confrontation and I'll only ever cry in front of my family (and that's rare itself). So the fact that I have finally put these thoughts down keyboard-to-laptop-screen is absolutely massssssive to me (perhaps the late hour and 3 glasses of wine have helped haha). In any sense, I already feel a sense of relief in getting these feelings out....isn't it weird how that happens!

In going along with that sense of relief, here are a few other fears that I hope will disappear after I click 'publish' on this post:

• Having difficulty getting pregnant/NOT getting pregnant. I actually can not fricking wait to be a mum! I feel like it is my trueeeeeeeest of true true true callings in life. I also cannot wait for George to be a dad! It all makes me so extremely excited. The idea of that not happening freaks me our like nothing else. But...we are puppy parents now so that's something ;)

• I fear I'll always be 'mediocre' professionally. I feel I've had roughly the same dream for yearssssssss and sometimes it frustrate me like nothing else. I know I am getting better at going after what I want in my 'career' but the idea of never really getting to where I want to be scares me.

• This is a super small & pathetic fear but I absolutely despise talking on the phone. Not to every single person but I would really rather messaging someone or face-to-face contact. That explains why George booked that dentist appointment for me ;)

So there we go. My mind is mildly crazy haha! But it does feel weirdly good to expose it's crazy parts.

I also am starting to think that my lack of blogging has been because I have been dying to write this post but haven't known how to start it. I felt that blogging about what I was getting up to day-to-day/over the weekend or blogging for the sake of blogging felt a bit like a farce until I could get out what I realllly wanted to share.

If I can sort my productivity levels out then I'll be back to normal blogging scheduling and that is a GREAT thing because there is so much excitement happening for me/us at the moment and I can't wait to share it all.

Fingers crossed my dentist appointment next week goes smoothly and that wretched tooth/jaw/head/life gets sorted out for good!

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