I’ll rule the world someday

My diabolical plan to take over the world

By Melanie Funbags

It all starts with an idea. An idea that germinates into inevitability. Inevitability that spikes into destiny.

The path is already laid out for us.

I plan to take over the world with an idea. The best idea’s are the one’s that feel inevitable – the one’s that feel right.

Inevitable idea’s feel inevitable because they are the ones that evolve you. If you don’t wish to proceed into the next evolutionary level, you still have some growing to do. Either grow, or get out.

Taking over the world isn’t exactly what you think it is. What I mean by “taking over the world” is to not be a slave to it. It doesn’t take over you, you take over it.

In essence, when you take control of your life, you take control of your world. You own that shit, you hear me?

I grew up with advantages. Not so much monetary advantages, but having a great set of parents who let me live with them until I was ready to proceed to the next level, kind of advantages.

Until recently, I had no idea’s that germinated into inevitability. No idea’s that spiked into destiny. Thus, no freedom to evolve. No opportunity for progress.

My inevitable destiny that is just now becoming realized, actualized, materialized, is that of the pursuit of idleness. I don’t want to do a damn thing.

Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing and that chicken wing ain’t do shit but fill our bellies and put smiles on our faces. I want to be the wing!

I sound like an idiot, yes, I know. I’m annihilating what could have been a perfectly good blog post. See what happens when you put yourself into your work? Shit gets messy just like dems wings.

Finger kicken’ licken ya’ll.

Anyway back to my story….

I grew up with advantages of not having to pay rent. Two of my previous cars were handed to me. This leads me to tell you about my number one advantage: Perfect credit.

Perfect credit can give you your freedom, or, the opportunity to obtain that freedom is more like it.

I’ll get back to that in just a moment but first, what the hell have I been doing with my life?

As I mentioned above, my true love in life is idleness. With idleness, you own your god given right which is TIME. Time is not a privilege, it’s a human right. I want to own my time, hence, owning my freedom. Owning my world instead of it owning me.

You may call me lazy, but I call me a realist. I can’t possibly be the only one who feels this way. With idleness, you can branch off to any interest that hits your fancy. You can be a poet in France, or a gravedigger if that’s what you’re into (great workout plus the only way you’d get laid off is when you’re laid to rest. I don’t recommend necrophiliac’s to take up gravedigging (I wonder if that's a sexual preference you're born with? I read somewhere that pedophilia is something you're born with, so why not necrophilia?)).

I would like to work at Walmart – yes I would! I want to see what’s it’s like. I’m curious, okay?

So, what I’m trying to say is, all this time I’ve been vying to own my freedom by owning my time, but I was missing the most important thing – not having to depend on anyone!

Ayahuasca told me that we shouldn’t depend on anyone. That we are all here on separate journeys and we are all of equal worth. When you depend on someone, you’re lowering your worth. Just as it is with depending on a job – they tell you what you’re worth, and not the other way around. They end up owning both you and your time.

(I already wrote a whole bunch about depending on your spouse or loved one, so I won’t get into that. In short, don’t do it.)

Although I claimed to be owning my time, I wasn’t able to fully enjoy it. It wasn’t exactly my time – I didn’t own it, not really. It belonged to my parents house and generosity. It belonged to the hard work of my family, and not me.

I had this Mac Air for over a year now and I just discovered something really cool about it. Literally, it happened 2 seconds ago. I have a client coming in any minute so I dimmed the lights in my office, and my keyboard lit up and my screen dimmed automatically. How does it know? How’s it do that?

If I didn’t have a client coming in, I’d research it.

Blah humbug….

Okay, so I have an idea. A sperm, if you will. This little sperm has X and Y perfect chromosome credit. It’s been swimming around in her little fishbowl stew lollygagging, eating cheese and chicken nuggets for far too long. Now comes the next stage in my evolutionary journey. My little sperm is the next quantum leap in human evolution.

This girls got spunk. Sperm spunk that is. Idea’s. I’m talking about idea’s.

I have to expand my business. I HAVE to. It’s the only way I’ll ever get out. The bigger your world, the more freedom you have. The bigger your business, the more freedom? I’m just going to have to say yes to that. Yes more freedom.

Originally I was going to buy a spa in Cheshire, but the girl selling it (my brother’s ex-fiance), wants 35K for it. It sounds like a disastrous investment to me. Besides, I never trusted her (I’m wicked cynical in biblical proportions).

Instead of buying her beat-up ass spa, I can take out 35K and build my own. Okay, maybe not 35K, I’m thinking more along the lines of 10K. 3 of it will go towards my credit card debt and the rest will be spent on a deposit for a lease. I need a bigger office. I need me some little worker bee’s.

I showed my last client how my laptop keyboard lights up automatically and she didn’t seem all that enthused.

One more client to go.

Last client done. He had a small lump on his forehead. Not large enough to be an egg and too big for a zit, which leads me to a new understanding about myself – I want to touch other people’s lumps.

It’s Billy O’s pub night tonight. Yay!