How to get your kids talking about the divorce

When my ex husband and I decided to separate and ultimately divorce, our children were 12, 10, 8 and 6. Old enough to know what was going on, but young enough to perhaps not quite understand it. (Remembering that time still rips my heart to pieces.) After their father moved out, some of my children felt comfy enough to come to me with questions or comments. Some were quiet, solemn and kept to themselves.

Now, when you have a kid come to you and make comments like, “I think daddy lies like that guy did in the movie last night.” it makes it a bit easier to open the conversation and ask, “Why are you feeling like that?” The communication flows, and it’s easier to respectfully meter their feelings and see how they’re doing post-breakup

But what about the quiet ones? I was finding that my quiet kids would bubble under the surface and would one day explode at brother because he didn’t flush the toilet or have a fit when sister stole a pair of socks. Everyone would eventually melt-down, and after the shit hit the fan, that’s when my kids would finally start talking–all of them. We’d talk about everything and anything under the sun, and often than not, the divorce would come up.

I knew we needed to find a good way to get our feelings out in the open, but didn’t want my kids to feel interrogated or that their mother turned into Barbara Walters. The ultimate goal was to have them to feel safe to come to me with thoughts or questions. (I’m a big advocate of counseling for the kids, which we’ve done, but at this time we just couldn’t afford it.)

First, we implemented a family meeting night. We tried to do this once a week (with our busy schedules, it was hard), and held it in our formal living room where there was no TV or distractions. I made sure not to have this night fall too close to a dad visitation day, because I didn’t want them thinking I was trying to learn what happened at dad’s. He was probing them for answers on my life, and I didn’t want them think it was a “report in” meeting.

Think of this meeting as a weekly focus group. Gather in the room and LISTEN. Parent, you’re there to see what your kids need. What they enjoy, what they hate, what scares them, whatever is happening in their lives. This isn’t the time to drill-down and find out how last weekend went at dad’s house. It’s about getting them talking. Most times, my boys would sit and fold their arms, but as the conversation evolved they would eventually open up.

During these meetings, I found out that my oldest daughter would get frustrated because we were so busy all of the time. If/when she felt like talking, I was driving carpool or dealing with homework craziness and she wasn’t able to talk to me then. She would point out that her younger sister was fine to walk up and blab, but she didn’t feel so comfy doing that. “And sometimes I don’t want to talk about things during the family meeting!” She told me.

She came up with the idea to make 2 jars that lived in our kitchen. One jar was labeled To Share with the Family, and the other, To Share with only Mom. Next to these two jars were small slips of paper and a pencil. Since all of my kids were able to write, we agreed that in-the-moment, when a child came up with a question or a feeling they were having, they would write it on the slip of paper and put it in one of the two jars. If they wanted to bring it up in our family meeting, it would go in the Share with Family jar. If it was a private discussion for them and me only, it went in the Share with only Mom jar. Each child understood that once a paper went in, it was a huge no-no to go in and nose around–everyone agreed to keep someone’s thought private.

When these jars were put in-play during our separation and post-divorce life, each child felt empowered and they were able to feel validated because they were heard–they could get their feelings out and know that we’d talk about what was going on. The mom only jar was something I’d check every day. I even had kids point out to me, “Mom, something is in the ‘mom jar’.” As the mama, it made me happy to help the kids and know that I was there for them even when we were super-busy. And as a family, we always felt better after we were able to get things off our chests.

These jars have moved on in our home, and I now use them for other things, but for the few months they lived in my kitchen they helped my little family so much. I would get notes that dealt with school, their dad, their pain, or thank yous. My youngest daughter would often draw frowny faces with tears (there were a lot of those). I knew she was hurting and I was sure I kept our connection line open after seeing these sweet slips of sadness.

There was even one day I got a note from my soon-to-be ex husband…it said, simply, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It was the only apology I ever got.

Talking about the upheaval of their lives after divorce isn’t an easy thing for children. They try to go on as-usual in their lives, which is hard, and oftentimes feel very alone. Schedule time with them–both as a family and one-on-one. The words will come, and so will the healing.