The family that could have been

I should be busy preparing for the arrival of a baby. I should be wondering how I’ll get through the sleepless nights and if I could nurse the baby successfully like I did my other four children. I should be buying diapers and booties. I should be watching my husband place his hands on my belly and rest his head on my lap as we giggle about the little baby kicks and hiccups.

But I’m not.

After suffering a miscarriage mid-April, I will never get to experience those things that run through my mind lately.

My heart still hurts, and sometimes I tear up at the thought of the “what could have beens” of having another baby. Brandon would be so attentive by my side through a pregnancy, delivery, and caring for the both of us. I can imagine falling asleep while nursing the baby and having him come in and kiss my forehead and the little one and playing with her fingers or toes. I see us lying on the bed together and watching in awe how our baby kicks and looks around the room. I can picture my older sons holding the her and being so protective and proud.

I’ve accepted the loss and I’m ok. I understand the risks that were in place. But it doesn’t make it hurt any less. It’s a piece of my family that began but is now gone. It’s been the hardest thing Brandon and I have faced. And unless you’ve been there, I’m not sure you could understand, and that’s okay.

So these next few weeks may be filled with a few tears for us. A time to think about the “what ifs.” My heartache is real and I’ll allow myself to be sad over everything, but it won’t cripple me. I’m blessed to have a wonderful family and second marriage. I’m blessed with 8 kids and our furry kid, too. And I’m blessed for the connection our baby created in me and my husband.

Hug your kids today. Hug your spouse. And for those who have lost someone, say a little prayer and let them know you miss them. ❤️

Photo credit: Flickr