Navigating Through Fear

I've been quiet here, and I know it. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say because I do, rather, I have so much to say that I just don’t know where to start.
We’re nearing the home stretch of custody discussions - I hope. It’s been difficult and draining and horrible and something I hope no one ever has to go through. I've spent all my money and then some on lawyers, because I've had to. I’m afraid to put anything personal on the internet because it could be used against me in who knows what way. Which is why this space might seem somewhat impersonal, or vacant, or not completely real. Because I've been holding back.

This isn't the beginning to some major feelings vomit session, but I wanted to let you all know, whoever you might be and wherever you are, that I am present. I open up my laptop and write personal missives full of real and deep thoughts straight from my soul, with hopes of posting it to get it off my chest and out to the universe, and then I promptly delete it, ruled by fear of what some lawyer might do with it. I’m afraid of what could happen. But what is the cost? Where is being afraid leading me?
I've said this before, single parenting is very hard and pretty much sucks. I know I’m dealing with a few variables that make my situation a little more difficult, like a high energy/spirited toddler, lots of personal anxiety and of course, my legal situation.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be single forever. At first the thought was scary, but as the months wore on, I felt more comfortable in my life with my daughter. Sure, I get lonely, but that’s okay. I do feel insecure, because from what I've gathered, dating a single mom is not something most guys are looking to do. Maybe it’s the energy I put off ‘I've got a kid; I know you don’t even want to talk to me.’ Maybe its superficial things, like my hair is growing out and I’m not wearing heels and any makeup. I just have faith that somewhere, out there is a guy who will like me just as I am. And right now, what I have will have to be enough.