Dear Diary, The Fear

Dear Diary (where the truth comes out),

Food allergy fatalities haunt me. They fuel the fear that I feel each and every day. They are the reason I homeschool my son, don't let him eat at restaurants, and only allow very few people to watch him. I can't seem to stop the "what if" scenario that plays through my head. The only thing that seems to help is taking on all of the responsibility myself, because trusting others causes that fear to intensify. The fear of him becoming a part of the known food allergy death list (by Lisa Rutter of No Nuts Mom Group) brings me to tears.

Is it just me? Do I bring this anxiety onto myself? Are other moms, in similar situations, feeling the same thing? Do I have realistic reasons to feel this fear?

I realize that many parents that have children with food allergies have never experienced anaphylaxis. Our experience may be different than most, where our son has had two anaphylactic reactions. His situation isn't "a severe reaction might happen if he eats this", his situation is "a severe reaction will happen if he eats this". I can't even describe in words how that makes me feel because scared, anxious, fearful, and hopeless just doesn't get the point across.

I try to focus on the positive things that food allergies have brought into our lives. I try not to talk about my fear and anxiety in hopes that it will just go away, but it doesn't. I know I can't be alone in this. I'm sure there are others out there that feel the same way.

How do they deal with the fear? Do they keep it bottled up too? Do they have sleepless nights where they wonder how their child will ever live a "normal" life?

I don't share my feelings often because I'm scared of what people will think. I don't want to be labeled as the crazy food allergy mom. I try to not even talk about food allergies unless someone asks me a direct question. I wish it were different. Jenny Sprague even wrote about how she thinks dealing with her son's food allergies is harder than dealing with his cancer. I just wish food allergies and the people who are affected by them were respected and taken more seriously.

Is that too much to ask?

-Elizabeth


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