Smile Even When It Hurts

Babaton Coat | Wilfred Free Sweater | Oak Fort Faux Leather Pants & Bag | Adidas Shoes | Ray-Ban Sunglasses

Yesterday was my sister’s birthday. As I mentioned in my previous post, she’d be 34 if she were alive. Not surprisingly, I found her in my dreams two nights ago. I still have a hard time believing that life without her is real, and feel lost every time I think about her.

I still remember sitting next to her hospital bed a few hours before she died. It was July 29th, 2007. She was in a coma after a kayaking accident, but I knew she could hear me. I told her I’d trade a year of my life so that she could have another, and I cried like a baby knowing I couldn’t do anything to save her. When she was declared dead, I wrote her a letter of all the things I couldn’t bear to say out loud, like how life isn’t fair, and how angry I was; how she deserved so much more than anyone I knew, and how much I loved her.

I recently came across this quote by Angelina Jolie that really struck a chord with me: “There’s something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now.” In so many ways my sister has become my inspiration and my hero, more so now than ever before. When tragedies befall us and we find the strength and courage to rise above the anguish in our hearts, we realize that so many of the things that hurt us are, in fact, blessings in disguise.

This is by no means an easy process, as it took me a really long time to get here. But despite my struggles, I know I’m lucky to have a roof over my head, to have clothes on my body, to be in good health, to be loved and love others, but most of all, I know I’m lucky to be alive. As cliché as it sounds, it’s important to remember to make the most of your time on Earth, as you never know when your last day on it will be.

I often wonder what will happen when I no longer grace this Earth and my faith will truly be tested. It’s scary not knowing what will happen after we die, but instead of trying to understand it, I’ve learned to just accept it. As morbid as this may sound, the possibility that I may die tomorrow only makes me strive for today.

Linda, as you watch over me, please guide me and heal me through life’s obstacles so that I may earn my place with you in heaven. I wish every day that I could have just one more day with you, but then I realize that I will have forever with you; I just have to earn my wings, too. Until then, rest in paradise. I love you.