forever still
(A.L.C knit top, vintage dress and necklace, Rag and Bone jeans, House of Matching Colours sash, Margiela shoes)
Growing up is weird because it isn't a switch that is flicked on your brain. It's a series of events that happen rather subtly (and at totally different paces for everyone), and is less about the ~milestones~ of your life, and more about your reactions to them. It is also weird because one situation could make you feel Serious & Mature, and another can regress you to your youngest years, back when magic was still real, when you felt the most alive because pain had never touched you. Often I wonder if how grown up I really am. I mean, I could compare my maturity level to that of when I was 21, or 17, or 9, but as maturity is wholly independent from emotions, I can't really compare the way I felt at the time. Nothing ever feels as intense as the first time you feel it. And we twist ourselves into circles trying to access that strong feeling again, not realizing that it keeps us from enjoying aging as continuum of life experiences.
Growing up is weird because it isn't a switch that is flicked on your brain. It's a series of events that happen rather subtly (and at totally different paces for everyone), and is less about the ~milestones~ of your life, and more about your reactions to them. It is also weird because one situation could make you feel Serious & Mature, and another can regress you to your youngest years, back when magic was still real, when you felt the most alive because pain had never touched you. Often I wonder if how grown up I really am. I mean, I could compare my maturity level to that of when I was 21, or 17, or 9, but as maturity is wholly independent from emotions, I can't really compare the way I felt at the time. Nothing ever feels as intense as the first time you feel it. And we twist ourselves into circles trying to access that strong feeling again, not realizing that it keeps us from enjoying aging as continuum of life experiences.
Anyway, that was all very stream of conch and I'm not sure where I'm going with all of this, except to say that I just got engaged. This is one of the happiest times of my life and I can't stop smiling, giggling, swooning to myself when I'm alone. Whether or not I feel adult enough to handle it is a moot point - it is happening, and I am ready. Forward I go.
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