Dear Mr Frodo (A year on)

Dear Mr Frodo,
Today marks a year since you passed away. A year since I last held you, since I smelt you, got kisses, heard your bark. It’s been a year since you struggled to sit up on the vets desk, to lick away my tears, as I said goodbye. A year since I held you, told you that I loved you, that you were THE BEST dog, my best friend, my baby boy, as you drifted away.

It’s been HARD, but like people have said, it’s got easier. I think moving to Melbourne helped, because I no longer expect to see you come strutting down the hall. For so long, I would still go to feed you, or take you outside. The worst is when I get depressed, you were always there for me then, you were my rock, and for awhile I felt SO lost, because it was you who would comfort me. It was YOU who kept ME alive. Tonka has been doing his best with that though, and I guess I’m lucky he’s a cat that loves to lay in my arms all night. He fretted for you, I think he still misses you, though I’m pretty sure he’s happy he ALWAYS gets prime lap/bed position now.

I don’t have so many nightmares about you anymore. For so long I would dream about you dying. Or that I wished so hard you came back to life, only to be some weird demon zombie dog. I’ve lost count of the number of times I woke up in tears. Thankfully, when you visit me in my dreams now, you’re just you, and we hang out, and I cherish every second I get to spend with you. Even if it is just in my head.

To be honest, I did better then I expected. When you were alive, I couldn’t even comprehend what a life without you would be like. Surely, I could NEVER survive in a world that you weren’t in? True, I think a little piece of me died with you, I had moments when the world felt like it was ending and I could not stop crying, or catch my breath. But the world did keep turning, and I KNEW you would want me to keep on keeping on.

This is the longest time that I can remember that I haven’t had a dog. I’ve always had a dog, sometimes two, for as long as I remember. I think I’m finally realising that I COULD have another dog in my life. Part of me is scared though. I’m scared that I will never love another thing the way I loved you. Sure, I love, but I’ve never loved anyone or anything as much as I loved you. I’m also scared that I WILL love something the way I loved you.

I still think of you every day, I still see you everyday, but it hurts less. I may be bawling like a baby writing this, but the tears & pain are less often. These days, I tend to remember all the good times we spent, and smile. I still can’t eat Doritos though. I also feel a little guilty because your urn is hidden away in a box on the shelf. I don’t think I’m ready for that open of a reminder. I know you’ll understand though. Plus you’re favourite toy, leash and coat is in it with you.

I like to think you’re somewhere, with loved ones who have passed. Reunited with Bayley & Emily. Snuggling with Grandmama. I hope you are.

All my love, my little man.
xo Mummy

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