How My Daddy Issues Taught Me to Love Myself [Strength Through Vulnerability]
One morning during 2013, I was mindlessly scrolling through my email inbox when one subject line caught my attention. My father had sent me a Linkedin Connect request. Depending on the relationship you have with your father this may seem either strange or slightly amusing to you. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it though. This was the most communication I’ve had with my father in almost 10 years.
I immediately clicked on the link and checked the Linkedin Profile. There was a job description but no picture. “Well, that’s typical,” I thought. He was always kind of an abstract figure in my life: I knew he existed, and I had met him a couple of times but I never knew him. I’d always wonder what parts of me come from him. I’d ask my mom and she’d say: intelligence, stubbornness etc. But how would I know for sure if I’d never really known the man himself?
I immediately sent a message that began with, “Hi Dad..” and hit send. In the days after I would repeatedly check Linkedin to see if there’d be a response. I’m still waiting.
Daddy Issues There’s a voice in my head telling me, “You’re a grown woman, why does your dad not being a part of your life still bother you?” I think deep down inside I’m still a young girl looking for my father’s love.
Unfortunately, in the past, I've looked for that love in all of the wrong places. When I was in my early twenties I sought out relationships with men who had the same qualities as my father. They were emotionally distant and would not commit for very long. Eventually the relationships would end and I would feel abandoned.
Each time I’d blame myself, the same way I’d tell myself that my father’s absence had been my fault when I was a child. After my last relationship ended and the man who I thought was my soul mate walked away, I decided that I would just cut myself off from men in general. I was very resentful, emotionally wounded and committed to being single forever.
But after I spent some time feeling absolutely miserable I had, as Oprah calls it, a light bulb moment. Why was I punishing myself by allowing negative energy to dominate my psyche? Why was I avoiding the real problems that had been a running theme in all of my relationships? I realised that I would have to face the mental and emotional issues around my relationship with my dad or I would continue to attract men who weren’t willing or capable of loving me truly and fully.
Filling the inner void
The biggest realisation was that I was trying to get someone else, i.e. a boyfriend, to fill a void inside my soul and that I had the power to fill it by loving myself fully. I know that that seems like generic self-love, self-help "bs" but it’s true.
I immediately sent a message that began with, “Hi Dad..” and hit send. In the days after I would repeatedly check Linkedin to see if there’d be a response. I’m still waiting.
Daddy Issues There’s a voice in my head telling me, “You’re a grown woman, why does your dad not being a part of your life still bother you?” I think deep down inside I’m still a young girl looking for my father’s love.
Unfortunately, in the past, I've looked for that love in all of the wrong places. When I was in my early twenties I sought out relationships with men who had the same qualities as my father. They were emotionally distant and would not commit for very long. Eventually the relationships would end and I would feel abandoned.
Each time I’d blame myself, the same way I’d tell myself that my father’s absence had been my fault when I was a child. After my last relationship ended and the man who I thought was my soul mate walked away, I decided that I would just cut myself off from men in general. I was very resentful, emotionally wounded and committed to being single forever.
But after I spent some time feeling absolutely miserable I had, as Oprah calls it, a light bulb moment. Why was I punishing myself by allowing negative energy to dominate my psyche? Why was I avoiding the real problems that had been a running theme in all of my relationships? I realised that I would have to face the mental and emotional issues around my relationship with my dad or I would continue to attract men who weren’t willing or capable of loving me truly and fully.
Filling the inner void
The biggest realisation was that I was trying to get someone else, i.e. a boyfriend, to fill a void inside my soul and that I had the power to fill it by loving myself fully. I know that that seems like generic self-love, self-help "bs" but it’s true.
Today, I realise that my father made his choices and I have the power to make my own. I understand that him choosing to not be an active part of my life was not my fault. It has nothing to do with me and everything to do with him.
I also see that I don’t have to let my “daddy issues” inform the decisions I make about men. I now know better than to just blindly accept an insincere “I love you” just because I want to fill an inner void. Now, I’m looking for the real thing.
A message to the men-folk If you’re a man reading this and you have kids, I encourage you to be an active part of their lives. Maybe you’re already doing that and that’s great. But if you’re not, please don’t live in the shadows of your children’s lives like my father did. Don’t be an abstract idea to them. Take the time to really get to know them and allow them to know you. Your life will be richer for it. Remember, a father is the model for the man his son will be and the man his daughter will choose.
I also see that I don’t have to let my “daddy issues” inform the decisions I make about men. I now know better than to just blindly accept an insincere “I love you” just because I want to fill an inner void. Now, I’m looking for the real thing.
A message to the men-folk If you’re a man reading this and you have kids, I encourage you to be an active part of their lives. Maybe you’re already doing that and that’s great. But if you’re not, please don’t live in the shadows of your children’s lives like my father did. Don’t be an abstract idea to them. Take the time to really get to know them and allow them to know you. Your life will be richer for it. Remember, a father is the model for the man his son will be and the man his daughter will choose.
Today I won’t sit here and say that I've been cured of my daddy issues. There are days when I feel a sense of longing for something I've never had. But when I feel that way, I focus on the gratitude I feel for my grandfather, who did his utmost to play the role of provider and teacher during my childhood and teenage years.
I've made the decision to stop trying to reach out to my dad to build a relationship. This decision doesn't come from a resentful place, though.
Throughout my life, I’ve been the one taking the initiative and trying to contact him. But I’ve realised that maybe he’s not emotional ready to build a relationship with his oldest child and I can’t force it, and most of all, it’s not my fault.
Strength Through Vulnerability is a series of posts where writers are challenged to be brutally honest about things that they normally keep hidden. The goal of the series is to encourage women to embrace their complexity and to live life with authenticity.
Read previous posts:
How I Shed the Shame of My Weight
Strength Through Vulnerability: On Sharing Myself With Others..
Am I Really Keeping It Real? (Strength Through Vulnerability)
Mixed Emotions About My Mixed Heritage
Learning to Love My Imperfect Self
Into the Deep
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