What Makes A Modern Lady.

Hannah Betts is one my favourite female journalists, she has the looks of Dita Von Teese and the wit of Dorothy Parker. I just had to share her recent feature - The Telegraph will probably throw me into the clink for this, but we'll have a whip round for bail money and FF will break me out. Deal?

By Hannah Betts
That most zeitgeist-defining organ, Country Life magazine, has issued a guide for the modern gentleman, to mark the launch of its Gentleman of the Year award.
Culled from advice from the great and the good, it ordains that a gent must refrain from tweeting or owning a cat (wrongly, in fact), eschew Malibu (as if anybody needed telling), and disdain the hipster’s lurid trousers and pre-tied bow ties. A chap must also “curtail his drinking” before becoming unseemly and “only makes love on his elbows”.
Jeremy Paxman decreed that “a gentleman doesn’t dispense unsolicited advice”; Joan Collins that he must never sport brown shoes by evening; and Jilly Cooper that “a real man drives you home after he’s been to bed with you”. Punctuality, manners and a refusal to don Lycra were also considered crucial.
With this in mind, The Telegraph has benevolently compiled an accompanying inventory for the 21st-
century gentlewoman.
1) Work
A gentlewoman has a job that she pursues with purpose. She is never sycophantic, but equally charming to one and all. She holds the door open for as many men as open it for her, reacting with graciousness either way. She is the epitome of politeness, a characteristic that can turn suitably glacial when circumstances demand - for polite does not equate with pushover. She favours a handshake with strangers, and reserves kisses for loved ones, not work emails.
2) Practicalities
She is terrified of no one and nothing: her finances, DIY, driving, spiders – although she reserves the right to bring in professionals should she assess her talents in these quarters to be less than exceptional. She carries her own luggage; baggage, ditto.
3) Rhetoric
A lady does not say: “Shut uuup” when incredulous, ever “style it out” or refer to “a jean” even parodically. She would never be crass enough to deploy the popular modern banality that is “work colleague” and continues to find the word “toilet” rather appalling. Judicious swearing is perfectly acceptable, the phrase: “Pardon my French” is not.
4) Family
A gentlewoman would strike a Gallic observer to be using the “vous” form with her partner, “tu” only when intimately engaged. She addresses him with fond courtesy. Teasing is appropriate; lacerating satire is not. A gentlewoman does not talk about her children, although she may occasionally talk to them. They, in turn, will be familiar with the phrases: “Wait for a gap” and “Indoor voice”. Said offspring will consider it their duty to make themselves interesting to adults, not the other way around. If single, she pays her own way, unless a prostitute, and provides her own Durex, whether a prostitute or not.
5) Food
A lady eats and drinks. She does not bore on about her dietary or health regime, or engage in competitively self-deprecating “fat talk”. If she does happen to be endeavouring to lose weight, she
will have the grace to keep this to herself and behave normally. Over dinner, she will not discuss house prices, schools, nannies, or ask people what they do, but settle upon some topic of greater fascination. Her small talk hovers winningly towards the large.
6) Drink
A woman may become more flirtatious with alcohol, but never rapacious. She is as happy with a pint of real ale as a cocktail, and expects neither to be remarked upon. Baileys is inadmissible even at Christmas. The only acceptable flammable drink is Sambuca, for the under-30s, and nothing is to be combined with orange juice or cream. Rosé is not permissible when consumed anywhere other than the continent.
7) Grooming
A lady, as a gentleman, considers grooming mere politeness, in addition to being a civilising pleasure that she takes no little delight in. She does not partake in the creation or publication of no make-up selfies, whether or not it is for charitable purposes. Her nails may be lacquered, but do not feature designs, neither are they of Freddy Krueger proportions. She would never consider deploying fake tan, artificial padding, or hair extensions, other than for fancy dress. A lady smells sublime.
8) Dress
A woman should always be appropriately shod: if she cannot walk elegantly, unaided in heels, she should not wear them. Regardless of fashion, platforms are ungainly, heeled trainers ludicrous. Loungewear is for the home, sporting wear for sport – neither should be translated into public. She does not purchase her underwear in packets and refers to any tights as “stockings”.
9) Design
The gentlewoman does not “pinkify” her surroundings. She does not harbour soft toys, about her bed or elsewhere; cushions serve a practical rather than decorative purpose, while family photographs are contained. She maintains a domestic drinks selection for herself and others, and always has a packet of cigarettes about the house for guests, as she would tea, coffee and basic first aid.
10) Sex
A gentlewoman does not always make love on her back...

© Copyright of Telegraph Media Group Limited 2014

That last line ? Cuff me now. I think I might just be breaking media law, oh well.

Psst - I wasn't here, ok?
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