2014 Ugly Lamp Contest: Round 2

Oh hi. You’re back for more I see. You didn’t get scared off after yesterday? Or fired? Excellllent.

If you haven’t checked out Round One yet, you can do that and vote for your favorite (or least favorite) right here. As of this moment Satan’s Booger and Moose Knuckle Chuckle are miles above the rest and will most likely make it to our final round. I personally voted for Grannytastic, because I love an underdog, and I also hate that lamp.

And now, onward! To Round Two!!

But I must warn you, you really need a strong stomach for today. No, really. Gird up your loins. Brace yourselves.

Are you braced?

Are you ready?

You’ll never be ready.

Here we go.

Must have been arts-and-crafts night at the local brothel again. Bless their hearts. It looks like what shame feels like.

You want some Mickey Mouse lamps? I gots some Mickey Mouse lamps right here. What do you mean, ‘they don’t LOOK like Mickey Mouse?” Listen kid, Mickey Mouse is trademarked, you understand? These is close enough. I call em’… ehh … Mikey Mice. Put em on your table, light em up, they glow real nice, nobody knows the difference. Yeah. That’ll be forty bucks.

“Greetings soul. Coooome this way. Follow the light. Not that light. Thiiiiis light. I am Zorbious, your guide to the underworld. Ok, that’s stretching the truth a tad. I’m your guide to the foyer of the underworld. I’m up for a promotion though, as soon as I meet my quota for this millennia. Just a few more souls to go! Would you like a butter mint? Can I take your jacket before I usher you into the darkest abyss from whence there is no return?”

You know how when you work at a pet food processing plant, there’s always that ONE guy who wants to turn a beef femur into a lamp? Don’t be that guy. Don’t even talk to that guy. Probably that guy needs to get fired.

It’s a lamp! It’s a statue! It’s a planter! It’s a water feature! Wait, wait, wait. It’s a lamp AND a water feature? That sounds terrifyingly dangerous. Who approved that idea?

Despite her wistful smile and suggestively unbuttoned raincoat, this lovely lass is suffering from an alarming case of IBS. Intestines as Bagpipes Situation. Seriously, I think she’s snuggling a colon. The dog seems concerned.

Vote Now!

Can’t see the poll? Try here! Still not working? Try this!

Don’t forget to check out Round One if you missed it!