Blogging the Bachelor: Playing ?Wedding Dress?

We arrive in Pa Sak Tong Thailand to finally say goodbye to one of these two ladies once and for all. Sean’s nieces and nephews are in tow to help Sean “pick a girl”. Right, because that’s how you should teach children about love. I’m going to say what everyone in America is saying during Sean’s opening conversation, “Is that Sean’s brother-in-law?” Meow.
Sean’s mom, we’ll call her Mary Steenburgen, interviews Cat and pretends to care why Catherine likes her son. Sean’s dad takes a crack at Catherine, and asks her if she believes in the Bachelor process. Like that’s a question she’s going to answer “no” to. But, overall, we love Sean’s dad.
Linds, the “substitute teacher” aka unemployed makes a splash with the fam by dropping the Jesus card. Girl is genius. This is boring. Well save for Mr. Lowe’s fluorescent pink undershirt, now that is NOT boring.
Since this episode is completely mind numbing, let’s picture what the marriages of these couples would actually look like:
Lindsay and Sean
Fast-forward five years. Since Linds didn’t end up having much luck on the substitute teacher circuit she spends most days at home waiting until the clock strikes 5:00 so she can put the corkscrew in the Beringer White Zin. When Sean finally gets home from his riveting day of selling insurance and pumping iron, he finds his new wife half in the bag while wearing that goddamn wedding dress. Sean’s had it and she starts crying that she just wants to play “wedding night” again and make Sean carry her over the threshold. Sean’s not hearing it, he’s more concerned with their two kids that Lindsay forgot to pick up from school.

Catherine and Sean
While Sean’s off making sick bone-crushing insurance deals all day, Catherine is home stuffing her face with Cheetos while hanging up new tapestries on her wall. All in-between taking hits with the cool 17-year-old barista she met earlier in the day. Since a Dallas graphic designer gig didn’t pan out, Catherine, her 8 sisters, grandmother and mom are all living off of Sean in their Dallas raised ranch.
Last Date with Lindsay
Relax and enjoy the river! Lindz and Sean board a tipping rickety raft and sail through the murky waters of Pa Sak Thong. Venice it is not. The poor raft rower is awkwardly stuck in every camera shot.
After their romantic day on the raft, they drink more and go outside to dance like no one is watching and light giant trashbags on fire. Each trash bag said deep, romantic words like:
“Family” “Happiness” “Love”
Later, one of the lanterns, with the word "piness" inscribed on it, burnt down a nearby village.
Catherine’s Date
They rode an elephant, sat on a mountain bed and then had some sort of emotional make-out drama fight situation.
Cue the slow-clap; we’re back to the morons in the studio audience. Such insight! “I think it’s going to be Lindsay – but it could be Catherine!”
Silver and Gold
Bring on the pageantry. There’s nothing like the finale dresses. And – this year, it’s silver and gold, Silver and gold I'd rather have Jesus than silver and gold.

Ring Ceremony
Eww…Lindsay exits the Mitsubushi SUV revealing a GIANT foot tattoo and AA breasts and is demanded to walk through the jungle looking like a lost prostitute to “find Sean.” When she finds him, he dumps her. If I had a dollar for every time in my early 20’s I ran around Boston in heels dressed like a lost prostitute “looking for a guy.”

So just like Reality Steve predicted, Catherine wins. In a nod to the circus they were just a part of, the newly engaged couple rode out on a elephant together. The end.
Texts I Received During the Show
“She’s probably so kinky. It’s always the religious ones that are the freaks.”
“It’s like Weekend at Bernies” with Sean’s brother-in-law on that couch.”
“I think there’s some sort of papal-conclave-smoke signal joke in here.”
“I think I want to go to Thailand.”
“If I was on the Bachelor, I’d get black out drunk the first night and get voted off immediately.”
“Bad weave.”
“Watching Lindsay's date and can't stand the gay white watch Sean's wearing.”
“OMG she took off her shoes. I would too, eff this shiz.”
"Is it me or did Catherine just orgasm on national television?"