apologies

sigh.

I have been battling with this post for some time.

Pride has been my enemy.

I have let people down.

For that I apologize and sincerely ask for their forgiveness and grace.

Photography, aside from my family and faith, has been my passion and my love. Just when I think I am finally putting my lenses away, I find myself rekindled and burning to create memories for families that love and that I love. I also have an incredible cheerleader that makes sure I don’t give up on this gift. (It’s you, Lindsay, just in case you are reading. And I love you dearly for that!)

In the past four months, my life has been turned into a crazy, packed, over loaded mess that I have yet to find perfect balance in.

Two years I was able to just shoot, and be mom. I could turn a session in a couple of days. And in a week, be able to have the product in hand or in the mail.

If you know anything about me, you know my family is crazy busy. We even did away with taekwondo for the moment to allow for family time.

In the last two years, I found my faith.

In the last four months, I began a new job for my family. It hasn’t been easy. It is a blessing, please don’t get me wrong. I love what I do and the people I get to work with. But still it hasn’t been easy. The adjustments to my schedule, that have changed three times now, has worn on the kids especially. Yet I am blessed for the opportunity. When I get home, it is straight off to practices, making dinner, dealing with the day-to-day family needs. By that time, I am spent.

And what happened, is, I basically shut down. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like it crept up on me. And then “it” devoured me. I am not able to turn those beautiful sessions over in the same amount of time I could a few months back. I made promises that I was able to keep just weeks before, but can no way humanly do now. And let’s face it. In this day and age, consumers want everything now. Right now. And with my background in journalism, I had to get things done quickly and now. And really, I enjoyed it so. Because we were both so excited to see what we made in our time together.

I was drowning. So I just shut down. I couldn’t even look at the images waiting. I was so frustrated and overwhelmed. I wasn’t giving up. I just stopped. I was overwhelmed with being overwhelmed.

There was also the pain of knowing, no matter how much love, talent, sweat and tears I gave a certain number of people, it just would NOT be good enough. I would be compared to what others did for other people. I just wouldn’t be enough. As an artist… as a creative creature, this can crush a soul. I am not saying that I expect that everyone needs to give me rainbows and gold stars for everything I do. It would be totally awesome, but that is not reality. And while my minds reminds me that, “You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but you can’t please all of the people all of the time.” My heart cannot help but try.

I don’t like confrontation by any means. Ask my husband. Nope, I will walk away and shut the bathroom door. Then I bawl my eyes out because I have let someone down. I shut down. And after a “time out”, all is good again. I can focus and regain my footing.

It by no means is what I should do. It isn’t even remotely professional. It is however human. It is who I am — my constant battle. And if I am going to be very exposed and raw here and now — here it is. Usually I have this annual episode in February. It comes as regularly as my birthday. And as much as I try to pretend it isn’t coming or it arrives, it comes like a scheduled train. But usually in February, there are very few photo sessions because the weather is gray. I can have my break down in peace with no one really depending on me. I can turn to the Lord and know that this too shall pass.

So tonight, I sit in front of this bright screen, the glow of the it illuminating the dark surrounding me. I am bearing my soul.

I have spent much time in prayer, asking, “what do I do?” And as much as I would like it to just be erased.; be gone; hit the delete button or click restart… I wish it was totally something out of my control like a computer frying. A tornado touching down in my dining room and sending my computer to Oz. A dog ate all my drives. But it isn’t anything like that at all. I have been on bended knee. All I hear is ask for forgiveness and grace. If they can’t, it is okay.

I know I will lose work for this. I totally and completely understand. I do.

I can just move forward. Make things right and move on.

I will be sending out the drives that have been sitting on my desk out for weeks out tomorrow. I will be answering my emails and Facebook messages in the inbox over the next couple of days as well as placing the orders I need to. I hope to be up to speed by the end of next week minus books that need to be completed.

I will be uncomplicating my “social” media pages.

I have one more beautiful wedding to photograph next month I am super excited about. These two love and I will be reunited with friends/clients that have been with me for so long whom I completely appreciate.

I will be… me.

If you pray, keep me in your prayers.

XOXO

Jen