March Fabness 2014, Round 2: Prada and Versace Brackets
Beware the ides of March, dear readers. The fiercest fashion battles are known to happen today.
MICHELLE DOCKERY vs. CAREY MULLIGAN
Michelle’s dress by Carolina Herrera; Carey’s dress by Chloé, shoes by Christian Louboutin
MICHELLE: Carey, you’re positively darling, and a wonderful actress. But your wardrobe is just too boring to compete with mine.
CAREY: It’s classic, not boring. And you’re not exactly reinventing the fashion wheel yourself, Michelle.
Michelle’s dress by Erdem, shoes by Rupert Sanderson; Carey’s dress by Lanvin, shoes by Brian Atwood
MICHELLE: At least I have a bit of fun with my personal style. Is this the only dress you’ve worn this year that isn’t black or white?
CAREY: Who knew a stuck-up princess like Lady Mary could be so sassy about monochromatic clothing?
Michelle’s dress by Burberry, purse by Edie Parker, shoes by Gianvito Rossi; Carey’s tuxedo by Victoria Beckham, shoes by Saint Laurent
MICHELLE: First of all, Lady Mary is not a princess. She’s a Lady. IT’S RIGHT THERE IN HER NAME. And second, I have no problem with monochromatics, as long as you wear them in an interesting way.
CAREY: And my little tuxedo isn’t interesting enough for you? Posh Spice designed it; what more could you want?
Michelle’s gown and purse by Stella McCartney; Carey’s dress by Prada, shoes by Brian Atwood
MICHELLE: Well, you could consider styling your hair or putting on some makeup when under the harsh bright lights of the cameras. It would help you avoid looking like a corpse.
CAREY: But corpse-chic is in this year! Everyone says so!
Michelle’s gown by L’Wren Scott, purse by Monica Rich Kosann, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Carey’s gown by Christian Dior
MICHELLE: Um, ew. That’s just gross. And also a complete lie.
CAREY: Whatever. I’m wearing lipstick. Can you leave me alone now?
HELEN MIRREN vs. KIERNAN SHIPKA
Helen’s cardigan by Kate Spade, dress and shoes by Tory Burch; Kiernan’s sweater by Céline, skirt by Miu Miu, shoes by Acne
HELEN: Alright, sweetheart. I’m the oldest March Fabness competitor; you’re the youngest. I’m sure you think that gives you some sort of advantage, but -
KIERNAN: OMG, Helen! Did you know you’re fifty-four years older than me? That’s like, an entire already-old-person older than me!
Helen’s dress by Dennis Basso, shoes by Gina; Kiernan’s top and skirt by Miu Miu, shoes by Jimmy Choo
HELEN: Ahem. Yes. I suppose that’s true, but -
KIERNAN: Do you know that means you were my age – fourteen – in 1959?! That’s before the first season of Mad Men is set! That’s like, literally ancient history!
Helen’s dress by Jenny Packham; Kiernan’s dress by Preen
HELEN: Well, I suppose to someone as young as you, it might seem -
KIERNAN: So, like, I play a 1960s kid on TV, and if Sally Draper grew up and like still existed now, YOU’D STILL BE OLDER THAN HER!
Helen’s gown by Lindka Cierach; Kiernan’s jacket, pants, purse, and shoes by Emporio Armani
HELEN: Yes. I understand how math works. Now please, would you kindly shut the fuck up about our age gap?
KIERNAN: You brought it up! I’m just sharing fun facts!
Helen’s gown by Jenny Packham, purse by Roger Vivier; Kiernan’s dress by MaxMara, purse and shoes by Christian Louboutin
HELEN: Yes, well, I think we’ve had enough “sharing” and “fun” for one day.
KIERNAN: Ugh. Whatever. I’m over this. You’re old and mean.
ASHLEY MADEKWE vs. KERRY WASHINGTON
Ashley’s jumpsuit by Topshop; Kerry’s dress by Calvin Klein, purse by Emm Kuo, shoes by Jimmy Choo
ASHLEY: ZOMG OLIVIA POPE IS PREGNANT!!!!!! Is that a Fitz baby, or a Jake Ballard baby? PLEASE SAY JAKE BALLARD.
KERRY: … What the fuck is wrong with you?
Ashley’s dress by Cushnie et Ochs, purse by Charlotte Olympia; Kerry’s dress by Calvin Klein, purse by Roger Vivier, shoes by Christian Louboutin
ASHLEY: I just fucking love Scandal! I want to be a white-hat-wearing gladiator too!
KERRY: Um, okay. But Olivia Pope isn’t pregnant – I am.
Ashley’s dress by Monique Lhuillier, purse by Jimmy Choo; Kerry’s dress by Giambattista Valli, purse by Nancy Gonzalez, shoes by Christian Louboutin
ASHLEY: Is that, like, a riddle? Am I supposed to hack into some CIA files to figure out what that means? Is the head of B-613 even allowed to have a baby? PLEASE TELL ME IT’S JAKE’S.
KERRY: I don’t even know how to talk to you.
Ashley’s dress by Giorgio Armani, shoes by Christian Louboutin; Kerry’s dress by Narciso Rodriguez, purse by Vince Camuto, shoes by Christian Louboutin
ASHLEY: You should just know that Fitz is the fucking worst, his Vermont dreams are bullshit, and you should obviously have this baby with the super-sexy Jake Ballard.
KERRY: Fine. Whatever. Are we done yet?
Ashley’s dress by Zimmermann, purse by Jimmy Choo, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti; Kerry’s gown and purse by Balenciaga
ASHLEY: You can’t really expect me to believe you’re not Olivia pope. You’re wearing white. That’s like, her signature color.
KERRY: Yeah, she’s definitely the only woman on the planet who wears white, you fucking moron. I think we’re done here.
OLIVIA PALERMO vs. ZOE SALDANA
Olivia’s sweater by Tibi, blouse by Rebecca Taylor, jeans by Hudson, shoes by Giorgio Armani; Zoe’s top and skirt by Calvin Klein, shoes by Jimmy Choo
OLIVIA: I must say, it’s a relief to be up against a fashionista who even comes close to matching my level of fabulousness. I know it’s only Round 2, but there are still far too many basic bitches here for my liking.
ZOE: Oh, that’s funny. I actually think you are one of those basic bitches. But it’s absolutely adorable that you consider us equals, Olivia, it really is.
Olivia’s jacket by Nina Ricci, top by Elie Saab, belt by Whistles, purse by Chloé, shoes by Gianvito Rossi; Zoe’s dress by Rodarte, shoes by Oscar Tiye
OLIVIA: Me? Basic? Have you even met me? I’m front row at basically every major fashion show, every single season. Who the fuck are you?
ZOE: I’m a fucking movie star. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for you.
Olivia’s jacket, top, skirt, purse, and shoes by Christian Dior; Zoe’s top and skirt by Balmain, shoes by Christian Louboutin
OLIVIA: What, you think a few major blockbuster hits will make us forget that you were in Crossroads with Britney Spears? WE WILL NEVER FORGET.
ZOE: I will never be able to live that shit down. Listen, it was 2002, I hadn’t done much since Center Stage, and I needed a fucking job, okay? And clearly, it didn’t ruin me, since I’m way more famous now than I was back then.
Olivia’s dress by Louis Vuitton, shoes by Zara; Zoe’s gown by Givenchy, purse by Nancy Gonzalez, shoes by Jimmy Choo
OLIVIA: Crossroads might not have ruined you, but it certainly ruined all of us who had to watch it.
ZOE: I take no responsibility for that. Put that shit on Britney’s plate, not mine.
