Fleas! The Movie (?)

A blood thirsty horde has invaded my home, attacking any living thing they can sink their epipharynx in to. The mere thought of how many there are makes my skin crawl . . . and itch. No wait, that itching is from the bites. It’s been a bad year for fleas at my house.

Currently I’m treating the situation with as many natural, non-toxic solutions I can find; diatomaceous earth on the cats, floors and furniture, cedar oil to protect us humans. Just when I think I’ve got it under control and let up a bit with the vacuuming and laundering, a new wave hits. I’ve read that fleas can pupate, or stay in their cocoon before emerging as an adult, for weeks or months until they get the signal in the form of vibrations, heat, or carbon dioxide, that tells them a host is near, and only then will they emerge. That’s pretty amazing.

Proportions of cat flea may have been altered slightly to prove my point.

They’re also rather scary looking close up. My youngest son pointed out that they bear a slight resemblance to Cthulu. I find this makes the situation slightly more bearable, because rather than fighting off several generations of pests, I’m now fighting off a legion of tiny, multi-dimensional old gods. That’s way more exciting than trying to simply rid my house of fleas. Which brings me to the question – why are there no giant flea horror movies?

Four Reasons Giant Fleas Would Be the Ultimate Summer Blockbuster Menace

1.) Fleas can jump up to 80 times their own body length, so if the giant fleas were just 6 ft tall they would be capable of scaling the Empire State Building in just a few bounds. They would also look spectacular downing low flying aircraft trying to annihilate them with missiles and bullets which would be ineffectual because . . .

2.) Like most insects, fleas have hard exoskeletons. Anyone who has tried to squish a flea with her fingers knows it’s nearly impossible. If small fleas are difficult to kill, just think how indestructible their giant counterparts would be.

3.) Fleas feed on blood, but not in the seductive, sexy way vampires do. Fleas have weird mouth parts which include combs and spikes for piercing and sucking not to mention skin-dissolving saliva. The potential gross out factor in the first feeding scene is mind-boggling.

4.) Finally, a single adult female flea can lay up to 40 eggs a day. Combine an army of giant fleas laying eggs all over the world with the flea’s ability to stay in the pupae stage until favorable conditions arise, and you’ve got yourself almost as many sequels as my cats have fleas.

Personally I would love to shoot this film myself, but I’m too busy trying to contain the flea invasion of my home. If you know of an actual giant killer flea movie (it seems so obvious, one must exist) let me know.