The Loneliness Monster
I’ve been in an ongoing battle with my loneliness monster for years — and it has become the struggle I don’t want to confront. I let it hide under my bed — I pretend it isn’t there. But it is there — and it’s going to be there every time I’m in-between relationships, anytime I have no specific love interest to dote upon, or whenever things aren’t going well with a significant other. I fucking hate the loneliness monster. But let’s take a step back.
The entire concept of a “loneliness monster” stemmed from a conversation I had with a friend over sack lunches. I was trying to explain how I’ve been working on overcoming the urge to make bad decisions when I feel lonely—ones I know will end up being devastating for me in the long term. And then he gave that behavior a name, “the Loneliness Monster.”
Of course! I now had a way of explaining the other Natasha — the one that sometimes creeps out after midnight, after a few drinks; who makes phone calls to people she knows that normal Natasha would never contact. She is bordering masochistic, she’s fucking crazy. This monster rears its ugly head and shoves normal Natasha off her course of growth, confidence and self-improvement. She is terrible.
And no matter how many steps forward I take —eventually the loneliness monster sneaks out, sending me back a few (or more) strides.
But I didn’t want to tell you about the loneliness monster with the hopes that we could all forever banish it. We can’t. It will always lurk —anytime things get shitty, it will be around, waiting to tempt you with easy fixes and rash decisions.
I’m writing this to serve as a warning. I need you to know that if you aren’t careful, you will become the loneliness monster. Instead of it creeping out on occasion , you and the monster will become one. Making decisions as a team. Devastating your daily life. You’ll forget how to make real connections. You’ll stop believing in yourself. You’ll lose all confidence and hope for a better future. You will stop remembering how to get what you want; and you’ll only know how to satisfy in-the-moment cravings, leaving you feeling empty inside the moment you’ve swallowed that last bite.
Please, don’t become the loneliness monster. Put up a fight — don’t give in to it. Struggle to overcome what haunts you. You may fall in and out of that pit, but don’t set up camp there. Climb, jump and scratch your way out.
Keep your vulnerability close to you — allow yourself to be open and close with new people. Try feeling the pain of loneliness for the night — alone. Sometimes working through that feeling independently is the only way to heal yourself. Put down your phone — stop texting that person you rely too much on. Confront your loneliness monster, even take a few punches. But don’t let it knock you completely down.
