Natalie Bushman

Hot Mess


Warning: I'm on day 4 of Clomid and things are getting a bit hardcore emotional over here...

I have an idol, and it's not God. It's true. And I'm desperately trying to change that. I never thought that my desire to have 3 kids was a bad thing. Having a family is good, isn't it? And while the obvious answer is yes, I've learned there's more to it than that. When my desires begin to take over all my thoughts and my sole ambition in life is to have more children instead of being content in Him, glorifying Him, and trusting Him, I'm in trouble. God should be enough for me despite my circumstances. If my home, finances, health, and (heaven forbid) family were taken from me, could I continue to sing praise to Him? I want the answer to be yes. My head knows what the right answer is...now it's a matter of getting my heart to follow.

So I'm in a constant war with myself. Praying for mercy and grace from Him even though I know I'm undeserving and not guaranteed a perfect life. Which is a hard pill to swallow.

I imagine that one day I, too, will be announcing my pregnancy and singing of His goodness. Because I know that every good thing comes from Him and for that I am eternally thankful. But for now I will continue to try and seek out the good in my situation. To see the prayers that He's answered. And there have been so many! From the quick diagnosis, to the understanding doctors and nurses, to the most amazingly supportive friends and family. I really am blessed.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel like I'm in a game of tug-of-war. I'm grateful for all my current blessings, but still desperately waiting. It's a hard act to balance. I'm thrilled for my pregnant friends but also yearning to be in their shoes. And along with that, trying to grow in my faith so I can truly say that He is enough. Regardless of whether or not I have more babies. It's a big task, but I know He's seeing me through it and all I can do is ask for strength, peace, and wisdom.

So there you have it...my emotional roller coaster. I'd imagine you're all pretty tired of reading about this by now but writing out my feelings is therapy for me. And it is my blog after all so "I do what I want." ;) And for the record red lipstick is not a good choice for an emotional day. If you could only see my hot mess of a self right now. Super cute.

And because Tinkerbell makes everything better...




*Update: I wrote this yesterday at nap time. By the evening I was feeling significantly better but I still stand by what I said. :)
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