Ripples

On a day to day basis it is rare I share very personal posts on Beautiful Clutter, I keep what I publish to pretty vintage finds or little things I've found inspiring, but the ripples from the stones I have been throwing lately have tossed bravery my way and I'm embracing it with both hands.
I have been overweight, unfit and unhealthy for the last 8 years and when I say overweight what I really mean is obese; although my confidence has been in the toilet for a long time this isn't distorted body image talking but medical fact. I have never been a vain person but it is incredible to me how much self image and the perception of myself as hideous has affected every aspect of my life from my relationships to my career (or lack thereof). I got so low I started to believe that the people who love me most were merely tolerating me in their lives and that was not a pleasant way to feel. It had felt as though the weight cancelled out every other positive aspect of my being - my loyalty, my sense of humour, my passions, my personality in general - it all seemed to mean nothing because I felt such an eyesore. Anxiety has been a part of my life since I was in my early teens although it had been manageable and something I could beat into submission as and when I needed but as I gained more weight it became a constant, ominous presence in my chest ready to ruin my day at any given moment. I cut myself off from friends, came home to my family less, retreated from my boyfriend, and systematically avoided anything that would trigger a panic attack. I was emotionally exhausted and possibilities were so far off the map I had stopped dreaming.
I tried dieting. In fact I succeeded with dieting. I'd lose 2st and feel pretty great, then somehow or other I'd have a rough patch and turn to comfort eating and regain the 2st I had lost. It has taken a long, long time to realise that dieting is absolutely not the way for me. Fast forward a little to the new year, I made a decision that 2013 would be the year I tackled my weight and regained my sense of self but the first couple of months seemed to ebb away with little action. It wasn't until April that something clicked and I decided I couldn't put things off any longer or I'd reach my next birthday in exactly the same position and feel wretched for it. Tristan and I packed up the Ashbourne house and moved to our respective parents. The following weekend I heard the news that a classmate had died aged 26 of cervical cancer, I didn't know her well - we were Brownies together, we shared a bus to secondary school and occasionally chatted away to one another in Business Studies - but she was a nice girl with a great sense of humour. To say news of her passing was a shot in the arm is an understatement. Here was a reality check in stark, bold font. I hadn't even suited up for a battle with my weight and Sam had lost the fight for her life. It was unfair. Perspective had never been so forthcoming.
Eight weeks have passed and I am 2st 4lb down with nary a diet in sight, things have taken a very positive turn round here and I'm beginning to feel like myself again. I have caught up with so many of my friends over the past couple of months and reconnected with my family, saying yes to things instead of a default no is more freeing than I imagined it could be. I am amazed at what eating better and exercising are doing for me. Tomorrow I am headed to London, alone, for the first time in a very long time and while I am a little nervous I am so excited. 'Throw a stone and soon the ripples will cover the whole pond' is what someone said to me recently. I could not agree more. Don't wait, don't save things for later, don't waste a day more than you absolutely must. I still have quite a way to go on this particular journey but starting well has been magic!

P.S A little cake, in moderation, is good for soul!