I Am Enough

I consider myself lucky. Most couples who struggle with infertility don't know that it's even an issue until they're elbow deep in the baby making process. We, however, knew about my PCOS diagnosis before we were even engaged. I knew Wil was the man I wanted to marry when I received that devastating news, but how could he. Not when there remained a very real possibility that I could never give him children. I cried a ton. He rubbed my back and told me it'd be okay.
A week or so after my appointment, we had a very heavy conversation for a boyfriend/girlfriend to have. If we continue this relationship, are you okay with the possibility of it just being us? Are we enough for each other? The answer: Yes.
I am enough. He is enough. We're happy being each other's everything.
I've read numerous testimonials about how hard infertility is for a marriage - the blame, the denial, the disappointment - it can really take a toll on an otherwise strong relationship. Not so for us. Sure, we want a family, but if that's not in the cards for us we know that we're enough for each other. I won't lie and say that I don't feel a pang of guilt and sadness every 28-35 days, I do. But it's not the end of the world. I can look him in the eye without having to wonder if he blames me. If he's disappointed in me. He doesn't. He isn't.

I am enough. He is enough. We're happy being each other's everything.
I'm not praying for a miracle. I'm just waiting for the biological situation to be perfect. Because that's what it all boils down to, really. I'm a walking biological experiment with a 3% chance of success. I didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to ask God about. I just got dealt a shitty hand as far as reproductive systems go.
So. Waiting. That's what we're doing. Not staring at the calendar. Not pumping my body full of chemicals. Not peeing on strips of paper. Not asking why this is what it is. Just waiting. Because if it doesn't happen, I am enough.

I am enough.