In The New Place

It's been a pretty heavy few weeks, hence my absence here. I've been pretty active on Facebook, though, so if you miss me while I'm away-from-blog, you can be pretty much guaranteed daily updates on my timeline. I am feeling super self-protective, which means the harder stuff is not for public consumption, but trust me when I tell you: there's been some hard stuff.

I'm all moved in to my new place. My housemate is wonderful and I couldn't have asked for a better situation. I love my new room - so clean and bright and not falling apart in any way. I have a queen bed that I stretch out in all arms and legs akimbo. I have a beautiful blue dresser. There are some things that aren't settled in yet - there's a big desk here that my housemate is selling, which has to go before I can move my own desk in. My bookshelves are waiting for that to happen because, really, I can only afford one truck rental. Most of my books are in boxes.

But, rent is paid for June and I have food in the fridge and my housemate offers to hug me often and I offer to hug her often and for the most part, I'm feeling at home.

Here are some snapshots:

The crescent moon from the front porch

A lovely candle lantern to light up our moments of porch sitting

bedside altar

the view from my window

my comfy, enormous bed

my gorgeous peacock blue dresser

There's no art on the walls yet, and I'd like to get some shelving up at some point, but you can see where it's going, yeah? Pretty, bright, clean. What more does a girl need?

For now, my studio lives where I used to live and that's okay because I really want to be spending time with my step-daughter after school. My routine is that I do web related work here at my place (posting classes, blogs, emails, etc.) and then head in to the studio to record. I hang out with my furbabies (who can't live with me here - too small, allergic housemate) and my girl kinder. Sometimes, I stay for dinner. Sometimes I don't. So far, I haven't had a weekend to myself because there's been stuff happening that I can't share because it isn't my story, but I've been needed and even if I weren't needed, I'd want to be there.

A weekend to myself will come, though.

Last night, I had a really good moment. I was all arms and legs akimbo on my big bed watching crap on t.v. and I was completely relaxed. I wasn't worried about what anyone else might think or feel or want or need. I wasn't worried I might say the wrong thing or piss someone off. I was just me. Not even remotely outwardly focused. It didn't last long before I started worrying and thinking about my future, my work, my kids, my ex, but while it lasted, the peace was delicious and I nailed it to the pin board of my mind so I could remember that it's possible.

Despite the heaviness, work has been happening and that keeps me grounded.

I could easily ask for a few weeks off and tell my folks that I'll tack a few weeks on to the end of whatever session we're doing right now, but I haven't done that. I need the reason to get up in the morning. I need the list of things that must be done. I am so grateful for my work, because without it, I fear I'd drown in my own pity pool. Besides, art heals and having no choice but to make it is a good thing right now.

I notice that I'm a little slower than I used to be. I plod a bit. It takes longer to gear myself up to record - especially if I have to talk. I sometimes feel completely overwhelmed and when that happens, I go for long walks and give myself silent pep-talks.

Ten years is a long time.

A long time to live in the same house, the same neighborhood. A long time to sleep beside the same person most nights of your life. A long time to invest in someone, to love someone.

I have a lot of adjusting to do, a lot of finding my me-ness to do, and I'm going to be honest with you: it's lonely. I'm all kinds of weepy and hurting. Sometimes I totally understand it and it makes sense and I'm almost grateful to have been released. Other times, I am furious and feel abandoned and cut adrift and just. fucking. horribly. unjustly. discarded.

There is weirdness.

It's not one of those situations where I can just pack up and leave and never have to look at his face again. We have been raising kids together for a long time now, and though mine are all grown and moved out, his daughter - my daughter - isn't yet, so there's that. There's the furbabies. There's the fact that he doesn't want to lose me as 'a friend' and the fact that I'm still batshit crackers in love with him. There's the fact that I simply can't afford to live in a big enough place to accommodate my studio.

So, weird. But okay and manageable and as soon as it becomes unmanageable, adjustments will be made to ensure my mental health and future happiness. I hope. I hope I don't just hang in there for the rest of my life waiting for a reprieve, like I fear I might.

There's nothing new on offer at the moment.

There is stuff in the works for September, but until registration for that opens, I really have no idea where my income (aside from the support payments which amount to rent and my bus pass) is going to come from. That's scary, but also manageable. I have this sense of trust in the universe and in my work that all will be well - that I will be caught by unseen hands if I should fall. I believe in myself. I believe I will make it all work somehow. And you guys have helped so much - All my basic needs are covered for the month of June I have a little in savings (about a grand). Business expenses are covered until the end of July. That's breathing room. Thank you for that.

There is still stuff open for registration.

Book Of Days is only in it's sixth week and we have six weeks to go. Moonshine is still open if you want to dive in and play catch up. Life Book 2014 is still open for registration and my class goes live on the 6th of June. 21 Secrets is open for registration and as a former teacher, I am an affiliate, so if you purchase through my link, I get a little moolah. Purchasing any of the above will help out a lot, as will throwing some bucks in my tip jar.

I have a stencil hop coming up on the 5th of June for Artistcellar and there will be a giveaway, so watch this space. :)

Wildly Inspired will resume in July.

I pre-registered for two festivals back when I wasn't worried about money. They have me pretty booked up solid throughout June, so I won't have the time to record WI until July. I know you get it. :) In the meantime, there are lots of episodes already up and you are welcome to dip in as you like.