I’m An Ugly Sleeper

Remember in Pretty Woman, that moment when Richard Gere walks out of the bathroom to find the stunning Julia Roberts sleeping beautifully with her gorgeous red curly locks superbly placed upon the pillows?

Now I want to paint you a picture of me this morning: Laying on my side. Face smushed up against my pillow so my lips were pushed into an odd squiggled shape. Fresh drool traveling down the side of my mouth coating the already dried drool from earlier in my slumber. My hair matted to parts of my forehead, while the rest of it looked like a mini tornado had struck it. And as much face wash and makeup remover as I use, somehow I wake up looking like a raccoon as my waterproof mascara jumps off my lashes and makes my under eyes its new home.

I was not hungover, sleep deprived, or sick. This is just me in the morning. When I sleep … I sleep hard. Yes, sigh, it’s ugly. No matter how much I try to make myself look glowing and refreshed in the morning, I always fail miserably. It’s like my entire face just falls and turns into this monster with its mouth wide open, making guttural sounds from deep within … better known as my snore.

I never knew I was an ugly sleeper until my roommate in college informed me. It’s not like when someone tells you you have something in your teeth, or that you have a run in your stockings … you know, things you can actually fix. When you sleep, you are completely vulnerable. It’s not like I can strike a model pose to accentuate my cheek bones through REM, you know what I mean? It’s absolutely maddening!

So when I come across people that sleep so peacefully, quietly and beautifully … I just want to punch them. Notice in every movie, all stars are beautiful sleepers? Oh yes, I just stumbled out of my bed from being comatose for eight hours and look absolutely glowing, fresh faced, with every hair on my head in tact … of course, clearly … pass the coffee and granola, please … Ugh. Or Beyonce’s classic, “I woke up this way,” bullshit. You know what … I woke up looking like a mythical beast. Suck on that, “Yonce.”

Clearly I’m bitter. Clearly I’m frustrated that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this problem besides covering my face with my blanket so I don’t frighten innocent bystanders. I really do try to be one of those people whose alarm goes off, sits up in bed, stretches with a smile, skips off to the shower to start the day and screams, “YES! LIFE!” But instead I wallow in my unattractive sleep state as long as possible, while plotting how I can take the later train into work without actually being late. Alas, that is just who I am … ugly sleeping face and all.