Coping With The Fear of Being Found Out

WARNING: This post contains a lot of disclaimers. (I guess it’s why I’ve been called “disclaimer girl” by some friends.) This also contains a relatively detailed account of how I spent my last week. So if you’d rather paint your nails or play a video game or whatever, instead of reading about what I’ve done this week, by all means, do so.

I’ve got a secret.

You may have met me through a mutual friend, or some event (yep, I attend and create a lot of them), or maybe found me somewhere online. Or maybe you’re encountering me / my writing for the first time. I’m no celebrity, for sure, but I’m a person of this modern age, connected to Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Tumblr, Google , Pinterest (and several other social sites I must have signed up for but don’t really use anyway).

And being a person who writes articles for some websites, including her own personal (albeit somewhat sporadically updated) blog, my thoughts / activities / involvements are pretty much laid on a silver platter for your consumption (sans the copious amount of selfies, and sans of the word vomit in Viber or What’s App groups with friends that no longer find space on the internet because they’re either not too important, or I don’t make time to post about it, or well, maybe it’s classified information, and if I told you, I would have to kill you).

On the outside (probably in most cases, at least), I might seem like a confident and relatively successful person (relative to how you define success). I seem to have gained some recognition from a lot of individuals or organizations I admire myself. Just in the past 3 weeks, I had been part of the Philippine delegation at the ASEAN-Japan Young Entrepreneurs Summit in Cambodia last February 25-28;

And I was a panelist at the 6th Filipina Entrepreneurs Summit by GoNegosyo last March 7, which reportedly had some 7,000 attendees. @_@

And all just in this last week, I had hosted another Global Shapers Manila meeting in our home with superwoman curator Anna Oposa, and our promising applicants;

Had dinner with Leon Flores III, Chairman of the National Youth Commission, along with some members of the Philippine delegation to Cambodia;

Attended a thanksgiving dinner for GoNegosyo’s successful Filipina Entrepreneurs Summit at the residence of Joey Concepcion with some 150-200 other guests, many of whom were highly inspiring women, including the likes of Maria Ressa, Jessica Cox, Sheila Marcelo, and Karen Davila, to name a few;

And had another dinner with mentor and friend Nix Nolledo (who I still can’t believe I get to hang out with from time to time), and met a lot of his hotshot friends doing amazing things in the tech industry, including Paul Rivera of Kalibrr and Gabby Dizon of Altitude Games;

And it may seem like I’ve got things going for myself, and that I’ve somehow miraculously gotten the opportunity to be around so many amazing, amazing people. Not everyone is quite so lucky. To have the opportunity to speak to and learn from so many smart and successful individuals. I know this. And yet, when thrown into these situations, in the back of my head (Or maybe, in the front of my head? And exploding out of my heart?), I feel a lot of fear.

This is my secret. The fear of being found out. Found out as someone without financial sustainability, or a working business model, or a truly impactful social enterprise (because I don’t claim MUNI or Tala Luna as social enterprises to begin with), or even simply having order, organization, and a solid team…yet, I am amongst people who do have this, and in groups / situations where you’re expected to have proven success or accomplishment, or at least an obvious, structured path to get there.

Every single time I introduce myself to new people, I wonder, and I worry, will they understand this nebulous ideal I have in my head? And if they do understand it, is it something they would support? And this humble thing that I’m trying to do with MUNI, is it really enough, really deserving of the recognition it’s been getting?

And yet somehow, I muster the courage to introduce myself, even to strangers in a room, and connect with other people who I think might share a similar mindset and inclination toward personal, social and environmental awareness. Sometimes, I see eyes glaze over and hear that awkward lull where you know a person didn’t quite get you, and didn’t bother to find out more (lol), but you know what, more often than not, they’re able to connect with it on some level.

The concept of “mindful living”, as nebulous as it may seem, strikes a chord with many, precisely because it can cover so much, and I suppose it’s really about finding that place to create a connection with people with whatever is relevant to them - knowing what they’re interested in, and seeing if there are possibilities to explore down the line.

And as to whether or not I deserve a place in the things I’ve been invited to, I still constantly question it. When I’m invited to entrepreneur engagements, I am very forthright in saying that I’m a startup and still figuring out my business model, testing here and there, that I am not a social enterprise (at least not in my definition of it), and I double check with them if they still deem me fit.

It’s been a year since I’ve been part of the Global Shapers, which, when Anna Oposa and Chely Esguerra had first asked me to join, I thought, really, me? And up until the last Shapers meeting this week, I’d always felt like the small fry in the Shapers, the sort of oddball who’s not really doing any “real” socially impactful work.

I didn’t start an NGO or a social enterprise. I am not a doctor, healing lots of people, or going on medical missions, or making groundbreaking discoveries in medicine. I did not turn down a Fulbright scholarship to work on bringing farming back to life in the Philippines. I do not save sharks for a living.

And yet, when I met one of the Shaper applicants during the meeting last week, and he had expressed appreciation for the work I do with MUNI, I was reminded about the irony of my feeling small in the group. I go around telling people that they don’t have to move mountains to make a difference (in fact, we highly discourage tampering with mother nature), and that every little act we do with our personal lives matters. This is exactly the point that I try to make with Muni.

After the meeting, I hung with some of my Shaper nominees and some other friends, and one of them told me her reservations about being a member, how she felt like maybe, what she was doing wasn’t nearly as groundbreaking/impactful/whatever as the things the other Shapers were doing. And I told her, that that’s exactly how I felt until that day. Ultimately, what we did or what we’ve created doesn’t matter, but the contributions, big or small, that we can offer today and in the days to come.

And so I guess this is how I deal with the fear of being found out. By just telling the truth. Being vulnerable. Knowing my limitations, yet, in the process, realizing and acknowledging whatever true strength really lies in my hands, and what I can offer.

I have no secret now. And somehow, admitting weakness makes me feel more invincible.