'In Between' has Thankfully Left the Building.

I was on the phone with my mom. We talked for an hour.
Me in the car in the market parking lot trying to keep warm; it was 24 degrees outside.
Turning on the ignition and heat every few minutes. But I didn't mind.
We are 3000 miles apart and it was good just to hear her voice.
We laughed and we gossiped and got caught up. I miss her desperately.
We shared our Thanksgiving plans.

This is a strange year.
I'm not in the house.
I'm not making the big dinner.
The kids are with their dad.

Those last three sentences are big. Gigantic. Massive change and independence.
This year, I am with friends.

Mom and I caught up on funerals, hostess gifts and what wine to bring to our separate functions. After saying I love you 10 times, we hung up.
I sat alone for a moment, in the cold car and missed her. I hate hanging up.


Inside the store, I picked up my fresh sweet potatoes, thinking of them hot with butter.
Half way past the produce and in between the bulk grains section, I froze.
At that moment I realized it was me, myself and I.
Literally, no shoppers were around.
Strange on the Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving.
I thought of my mom, so far away.
My kids. This is the first year we will not be together on Thanksgiving.
What kind of mother does this? Who have I become?

Polarized by change and aloneness and the courage it has taken me to get here.
The air was literally sucked out of my lungs. Alone, but not lonely.
I was frozen. I brought my hand up my mouth, chin and gasped. And I knew.

At that moment I knew the 'in between' was over.
In between an unhappy marriage and wishing for it somehow to end.
In between a strange place of knowing what to do, but not knowing how to get there.
Between being afraid to hurt anyone and afraid of what people will think,
into moving toward making a life without fear.
Imagine that.
I had survived the summer, established my apartment, signed the divorce papers.
Standing there, I knew 'in between' is over.

I have learned at moments like this to take a minute, look around and be aware. So I did.
I looked up, over my shoulder. Still no other shoppers. Weird.

I scanned the big market signs: "Fresh Start." "Fresh Greens." "Weigh to go!"

I grinned. Thank you Universe, Thank You.

It is okay to live. Okay to still love. Okay to make new traditions.
Okay to show those kids that everything will be alright.
That I am alright.

I wiped my eyes that had somehow become teary, gripped my shopping cart and pushed forward.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
xo jeanne.