The Thing ABout Cheating
One of my favorite photos ever.
I don’t know what’s been going on but in the last few weeks I keep running into people who are committing some form of infidelity. Judging is shitty, so I’ve been trying not to think about it much. But since it keeps being brought in my face I’ve decided to reflect on it here. Won’t you join me in this discussion?
Some think that you can only be guilty of cheating if you bang somebody. EH! Wrong answer, buddy. There are many forms of cheating. If you don’t know, now you know.
Emotional Cheating
Emotional cheating is when you develop a non-platonic relationship with someone other than your significant other. You tell them intimate things about yourself and in turn, they do the same. Flirting may or may not be taking place, but you know you’re in dangerous ground when you find yourself rushing to respond to this person’s texts, calls or emails. More than likely you wouldn’t want your significant other to know how much time you’re spending corresponding with this person. And of course, your mind has become plagued with the thought of “what it” you and your alleged “friend” took the relationship to a physical level.
Many relationship experts say that emotional cheating is the worse kind, because it means that your heart has checked out of the relationship you’re technically committed to. A famous example of an emotional cheater would be Kanye West, who was lusting for Kim K when he was with Amber Rose. Didn’t you listen to the lyrics of “Ni$!as in Paris’?
Kanye and Kim.
There are a few ways you can tell if you are emotionally cheating or if your partner is having an emotional affair.
1) There is an unprecedented amount of excitement when that someone calls.
2) The “platonic’ friends name gets brought up in conversations all the time.
3) The romance in your real relationship has dropped from 10 (okay, maybe a 7) to 1.
4) Conversations and non-sexual acts of intimacy has dropped in the real relationship.
5) Excuses are being created to talk, bumped into or hang with that “platonic” friend.
Physical Cheating
What quantifies as physical cheating depends on how you and your committed partner define it. In my book it’s any act of physical intimacy. You know, kissing, groping, and any type of sex…do I need to be specific here? Other milder things, holding hands and what not, can be a slippery slope, so I also thinking that should be avoided. Seriously, do you hold hands with people who are “just friends”? I didn’t think so.
Physical intimacy is one of the nicest parts of being in a relationship. You can have sex with anyone, but finding someone you can really let yourself go with and visa versa is not always easy to find. When people cheat on one another you run the risk of ripping away the trust that comes from feelings safe enough to be physically vulnerable with someone. And let us not forget about the disease and infection risk, not to mention pregnancy. If you think you can tell if someone is “clean” by looking at them you’re a fucking moron. Seriously, you are just so dumb that I don’t even know how you know how to read this post.
Famous physical cheaters? Oy, they’re everywhere in Hollywood. Let’s see, LeAnn Rimes and now husband Eric Cibrian cheated on their past spouses with one another. Tori and Dean also cheated on their spouses with one another. I could go on and on.
LeeAnn is still getting slack for being “the other woman”
And how do you know if you or your partner are cheating on each other? You’re banging someone who isn’t your man for one thing, but there are other signs.
1) Withdrawn from the relationship, either physically, mentally or a combo of both.
2) Unexplained STDs and STDi
3) Sex life inexplicably becomes super hot…like hotter than hot.
4) Unexplained schedule changes, mysterious “emergencies” and other things that are keeping you and your significant other apart.
Okay, so now you know which type of cheating is what, and you must know that cheating on someone once is not the same as having an affair. An affair is really more in lines with having a full on relationship with someone else that is not your partner. It’s all bad though.
There are lots of reasons people cheat. Sometimes they are unhappy in a relationship or feel insecure and find solace in the praise of someone else. Sometimes people are looking to escape their actual partner and use someone else to do it. There isn’t one universal answer. But here’s the thing, cheating is a pretty shitty thing to do. I can say that because I’ve been cheated on and I’ve also been a cheater. It’s a hurtful and cowardly, not to mention selfish. If you want to be with someone else, don’t waste the other person’s time. And if you’re not sure who you want to be with, why be in a committed relationship with anyone? When did being single and seeing lots of people become outdated? I tell all my younger relatives the following: There are many fish in the sea and you should be free to taste (safely) as many fish as you damn well please! Just because you like someone and they like you doesn’t mean you have to put a label on it. Don’t be afraid to be your own person. Life won’t be less colorful if you’re not someone’s girlfriend or boyfriend. It will become more messy if you sneak around and lie though. That’s almost a certainty. Why bother?
When I cheated on my boyfriend (not the current boyfriend I have now) I was really unhappy. Beyond unhappy, actually. I thought I was doomed to in relationship hell forever. I wanted to leave, but hadn’t managed it yet. My then boyfriend had convinced me that 1)He’d literally die if we broke up and 2)That I was so unlikeable, unlovable even, that no one else but him would ever want to be with me. So when I met Danny (name has been changed), who seemed to like me quiet a bit, I was completely taken aback. Was it possible for someone else to think I was cool besides my actually boyfriend? Come to think of it, I didn’t even think my boyfriend thought I was cool. Do you talk down to someone you think is awesome? Of course not?
I should have broken up with my boyfriend-let’s call him Bill, just to make this easier. But it’s like I said, Bill really had convinced me that he was all I was ever going to have and while I wasn’t so terrified of spending my life alone, I was terrified of him killing himself or hating me forever if I broke up with him. Carrying out another relationship with Danny seemed my only chance of some sort of happiness.
I didn’t sleep with Danny. Just throwing that out there. It did get physical though, and it was certainly emotionally charged. I came clean to Bill about it soon after I realized I had a crush, but that didn’t make me avoid Danny any less or break it off with Bill. Instead, for most of the school semester, I went back and forth between the two, trying to figure out what to do. They both knew what was going on and even met once-that was awkward to say the least, but it didn’t deter me from playing with fire.
In a moment of courage I called it quits with Bill, but as soon as I did it my interest in Danny dropped. He was nice and all, but the idea of being in another relationship was repulsive. So why had I stirred up all this trouble for?
Part of it was the excitement of it all. Bill had cheated on me in the past, amongst other things, and it felt really good to have some control in the relationship for once. Now he was the one afraid of what I was going to do. He was the one pondering my next move and I was glad. Also, being with Danny reminded me of the life I had before I met Bill. I had had all these other interests and passions before, but with Bill I had let them take a backseat. It took me awhile, but I eventually realized that it was not Danny I had a crush on but the me who came out when I was around him. I hadn’t seen her in so long. I wanted her back-all the time.
Bill and I did get back together one last time, but I knew in my heart it wouldn’t last. I told Danny we should end all contact, so after my final project of the semester was handed in I stopped showing up to the class we shared. He contacted me once more, but he was pretty douchey. I should feel worse, but I don’t have sympathy on people I tell the deal from the get. I told him I had a boyfriend and I had no idea where I was going. It’s cold but reality. Don’t touch a scorpion and cry unfair when you get stung, comprende? Plus people who chase after attached men and women have issues all their own. Trust.
Cheating was/is one of the worse things that I’ve done. I don’t recommend it. But I also see how it served a greater purpose in my and Bill’s life. For me, it showed me the kind of relationship I wanted and deserved. That wasn’t happening with Bill and I may have stayed in denial about that even longer if it wasn’t for Danny. It just would have been nice if I could have seen the whole thing for what it was before I acted on anything. I can’t say what Bill learned, but I hope he knows now that you can’t bully or guilt someone into staying with you.
Cheating is damaging to every party involved. It can cause a lot of stress and anxiety to the cheater, but it also can be really hurtful to the person being stepped out on. I decided a bit after that experience that I’d rather be a honest villain than someone who smiled in your face while stabbing you in the back. I decided I’d rather be an adult and say, “Hey, I’m feeling really confused about somethings and rather than hurt you more by doing something really shitty I’m going to step away for awhile and figure this out.” It’s not easy to do, but it’s a lot better than telling someone you put their heart-and body-in jeopardy.
Okay, so tell me what you think about cheating. And be honest, because I was pretty damn honest with you. Do you think it’s sleezy, understandable or just a part of life? Maybe you think monogamy is the problem? Whatever you think, explain. And if you’re the other guy or other woman, explain to me what you think about all of this? Why bother with someone who doesn’t want to commit to you? Fascinated minds want to know!!
