Today is my 42nd birthday. I remember being a kid and thinking there was no way I’d live to be so old. I couldn’t even imagine how old I’d be at 30, let alone 42. Yet here I am. I’m not only 42, but I’m happier each year than the last and that counts for just about everything.
When my mom turned 42 she had two daughters – me, a 15 year old, and my sister, a 5 year old. She was battling some of her worst depression and had been in and out of mental hospitals over the years. I was about a year from moving out of the house and about four years from arriving in New York City, pregnant, with my best friend and partner, Ms. A.
A few weeks ago I had a moment to think back over the past few birthdays. I’ve spent them everywhere, but at home. I’ve been in Washington, DC and Chicago and Ethiopia – but rarely here. Some of it was work-related, other trips were more personal, but each trip was about being away – this birthday, almost by accident, has been about being home.
Yesterday, I spent the day in Rhode Island – a year ago, if you’d said that’s how I’d usher in my birthday – with fishing and kayaking and beer with friends, I’d have probably thought you were wrong and yet there we were. Leaving New York at midnight – launching kayaks while the moon was still out and life was just waking up and fishing all day – catching a little or a lot, depending on when we started counting. Yesterday was amazing – so amazing that I decided to stay in today and nurse my aches and sunburn and still feel like this may be one of the best years, ever. Aches and all. That’s how life works, sometimes it hurts, but usually, if you’re lucky, it doesn’t.
At the end of every Oprah magazine Oprah writes about something she’s learned in life. It’s a few paragraphs that remind us to take a moment to understand and appreciate what goes on around us. I thought that at 42, with all of the horoscopes saying I’m in the early days of the best year Leos have had in 12 years, that I’d think about what I’ve learned so far.
- I’ve learned that even though mental illness runs in families, that it is possible to leave parts of your childhood behind and grow into an adult who is capable of raising a child, having close friends, and loving yourself and others. But that it takes a lot of work and constant care of yourself and those you love.
- I’ve learned that love changes – it’s never the same thing every day, but when it’s real, it’s life-changing.
- I’ve learned that parenting is the most amazing thing I’ve done – every day that I get to see Ms. A and listen to who she is becoming, I am grateful for every sleepless night, every worry, every moment that I’ve wondered if I’m doing a good job at being her mom.
- I’ve learned that loving your career is one of the most freeing things you can do – whatever your career is – wherever it takes you and regardless of what or if it pays. Your life’s calling is a big part of who you are and that’s amazing.
- I’ve learned that the world is the nicest place if you are willing to let others be a part of your life. I am fortunate to have friends in almost every part of the world. They make me a better person, they have changed my life and they mean more to me than any of the riches people search for.
- I’ve learned to have faith. Faith in myself, faith in others, faith in a universe that is bigger than I am.
- I’ve learned to move – to physically get out there and find a way to run or walk or kayak or swim. And I’ve learned that without that ability to find the outside, I am cranky and get sad.
- I’ve learned that it’s okay to be sad. It’s also okay to be angry.
- I’ve learned that books and music and a good lip balm are the things I need with me on a desert island.
- I’ve learned that Paris is my spirit home – we’re connected in ways that make no sense, but makes every sense.
I haven’t learned to knit, yet. My fingers can’t make sense of the yarn and needles. And my surf trip was postponed to the fall. But I’ve worn more red lipstick, explored parts unknown and have raised a daughter who wants to change the world. Not bad for 42 years. Not bad at all. I may even learn to get over Elvis ruining my 5th birthday this year.
xo,
p.s.: Watch as this space changes. You can’t stay the same in life or in love forever, and that’s a wonderful thing to figure out.
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