Close Call by @EloiseMarch Vadgeventure #booktour & #review

Hi there! Today I have a lovely tour for a book with a character who is having man issues. Also she has a talking vagina. Her name is Doris. The vagina not the person the vagina is attached to that’s Jemma. Still with me? Great Doris in the hot, muggy, tropical land that is the nether regions tries to communicate with Jemma to make her realise she is sentient. Will she? Will Jemma meet a man worthy of her and Doris? Will Doris like the penis Jemma brings home to her den of love? Ahhh sweet tantalising mystery awaits and a giveaway! In addition I’ve got a great character interview which should give you all a nice taste of what the book has to offer.

I requested a review for the tour and at less than 100 pages its a quick highly entertaining read. I will start with an issue I had though. Some references were not anatomically correct. Call me a stickler but there is a difference between your vagina and your vulva.

Now aside from this can I say Doris is cool and everyone should converse with their genitals if they can. A lovely line in the book suggests men can communicate with their penis’. Is this really so? I love the idea of my lady parts having ideas on my life, course I’d probably just get asked to dust her. Poor thing.

Really hilarious was when the vagina’s spoke to each other and to penis’s in the room. lmao yeah genital conversation. Seriously just picture at a party your genitals chatting with the others nearby. Yeah lol

Doris is quite witty and charming and wants only the best for Jemma. She also wants to make sure the penis she brings to Doris is worthy. Ahhh what an adventure indeed and this while a wedding with family from hell is going down and you have the makings for a funny, light enjoyable read.

I recommend this for those who enjoy short stories, are open minded enough to not be weirded out by a talking vagina as a character and who want a simply entertaining read. You will get that fur sure with Close Call.

As its the first in a series I must say I look forward to the next bit of fun.

Viva la Vadgeventures!

Eloise Chats with Jemma and Doris, an Interview

Hi. I’m Eloise March and I’m here with my characters Jemma and Doris. If you’re wondering who is who, well, Jemma is the timid twenty-four year old brunette and Doris is the bald and outspoken vagina. They’ve been good enough to take the time out of their busy lives to chat with me.

Eloise – Thanks for joining us today, Jemma and Doris. My first question is for Jemma. How did you react when you first realised that Doris was communicating with you and had a mind of her own?

A - I was in shock, to be honest. Before I realised she was actually trying to communicate with me, I was worried I had some kind of muscle twitch that was never gong to go away, because in the weeks leading up to our first ‘conversation’ she had been twitching at me more and more. And you know, it’s just disconcerting when you’re minding your own business and your vagina just twitches for no reason. I’ve spilled more than one cup of coffee.

I guess I felt crazy admitting to myself that my vagina might actually be communicating with me, and when I decided to answer, well, I figured I was definitely a nut case. Imagine what people would say if they heard me talking to my vagina.

Q – Well, people know now that you do talk to your vagina. How have others reacted?

A - My friends and family don’t actually know yet, so I hope they don’t read this. I just don’t know how to tell them. I mean, do I just go up to my boyfriend and say “Hey, my vagina said you’re a nice guy.” I don’t think so. And I’m sure Erin or Sam (my best friend and my sister) would take me straight to the psych ward. I’ve been wondering how to tell them, but the time hasn’t been right.

At this stage Doris jumps in.

Doris - I think it’s about time you told them about me. What have you got to hid? Certainly not me? Really, it kind of offends me that you’re ashamed of our relationship. I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and you know my advice has helped you immensely.

Jemma - I know, Doris, it’s just, well…. You just don’t understand.

Doris - I do understand, and I think you’re being immature. I just want you to know that it hurts my feelings that you won’t mention me in polite company.

Eloise - Okay ladies, it seems we’ve hit a sore spot. I think Jemma has to tell people when the time’s right, and I’m sure after this interview, her family might find out anyway. You’re quite the celebrity now, Doris. And I admire how much you care about Jemma and how honest you are with her.

Doris - Why thank you, Eloise. Of course I’m honest with her — if your own vagina can’t be honest with you, who can? Admittedly it benefits me if I have some say. Remember that idiot, Aaron’s penis. He was so rude, and diseased. I hate to think what would have happened if I hadn’t scared him off. It would have been minor irritation for Jemma, but I would have been covered in sores and itching like hell. Damned if I’m going to take the fall for her stupid decisions. I don’t know where women get the idea that they have to have a man’s attention at all costs — screw their reputation, screw their health, screw their morals. I’m not having any of it!

Eloise – Good on you, Doris. I have to say, since meeting you too, I’ve been listening to my vagina and she’s really clever. Mine actually gives great financial advice — who would’ve guessed! I have on more question for both of you. What do you want women, or men even, to get from reading this book?

Jemma - Do you mind if I go first, Doris?

Doris - No, dear, go ahead.

Jemma - Thanks. I believe that a lot of women are like I was, and still am I guess. I just feel like I’m not thin enough, or beautiful enough, although because of Doris I’m not as bad as before. At least with my new relationship there are boundaries, and if he treats me like crap, he’s gone. I want other women to feel like they’re worth more than their cup size, their waist measurement, or their ability to twerk (which I am never doing, by the way, but I’ve seen girls do it, and it’s not pretty). I want women to love themselves enough to trust their vaginas and walk away from a situation that is hurting them. Stop worrying about what men think, and be nice to your sisters!

Doris - Well said, dear. I agree with Jemma and would like to add that men do think with their penis, and their penis usually tells them to sleep with as many women as possible (if he’s heterosexual, obviously). If you hardly know the guy, don’t buy his crap about how he thinks you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, and he loves you. Loves you? After a couple of dates, he hardly knows you. And don’t let them call the shots. Demand what you want and see if he can deliver. It will be worth it in the end.

I also want men to pay attention. Respect your woman and for all you misogynistic assholes out there, women have the same brain, feelings, needs and wants that you do, so treat them as you want to be treated. Don’t treat women like objects — they are not bottles of beer, cars or blow-up dolls — they are people. Amazing, life-giving, loving people who brought you into this world and have so much to offer, if you would just open your minds and put your aggressive crap away. And ladies, don’t sabotage your sisters — speak up when your friend is about to go home with an idiot, be kind to her and don’t let her sell herself short. You know there’s power in numbers. And lastly, learn to listen to your vagina, because I guarantee she has your best interests at heart. Thanks so much for the interview, Eloise. It was fun!

Eloise – Thanks ladies, it was awesome talking to you. You are such a wise, wise vagina. I can’t wait to get together with both of you and write the next Vadgeventure book. See you soon. Bye!

Close Call: A Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure

Close Call is the first instalment of “A Doris & Jemma Vageventure” series.

Think Bridget Jones Diary and The Vagina Monologues.

Twenty-two-year-old Jemma can’t seem to get her life in order. Her track record with men stinks, she constantly worries about getting fat and ending up a spinster at thirty. And to top it off, she has to be a bridesmaid at her most-hated cousin’s wedding. She feels like her life is over, until Doris decides to help out. Who’s Doris? Doris is Jemma’s vagina and she thinks more of Jemma than her own brain does. Doris is on a mission to save Jemma from herself, but is the task too much for one vagina to handle?

TAGS: Fiction, Chick Lit, Humor, Women’s Lit, Romance

© 2013 Dionne Lister Cover by Sol Pandiella-McLeod

Now available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, Kobo, iTunes, and Sony.

Meet Eloise March aka Dionne Lister

Eloise March is a woman who laughs at her own jokes, swears way too much and breaks any new diet by lunchtime on the day she starts. She believes in women’s equality, and all equality for that matter, and hopes the things she writes touch people in a positive way, and make them think about how they can create a better society for themselves and others.

In her spare time, she enjoys living as her alter ego, Dionne Lister — a suspense and YA fantasy author who is way too embarrassed to talk about vaginas. She likes spending time as Dionne because Dionne has an awesome family, wonderful friends and a cat called Lily, oh, and she has great hair.

If you’re looking for Eloise, or any information about future books in the Doris & Jemma Vadgeventure series, you can visit Dionne’s website, where Eloise has been lucky enough to get her own page http://www.dionnelisterwriter.com. If you’re looking for a chat, you can find Ms. March on Twitter.