The Commitment: Some Thoughts on (Gay) Marriage


Wedding season is upon us. I don't know about you, but this summer includes no less than 5 weddings for Katrina & I to attend.

With my job, I see all the ins-and-outs of the wedding industry. The good, the bad, and the horribly wasteful, self-indulgent and ugly. Couples getting married for all the wrong reasons. Brides throwing fits over their centerpieces or ice sculptures. Grooms so completely uninvolved the bride might as well be marrying herself. Family's fighting, drama escalating, and people going into massive debt all for a big show.

That's the very negative view of it all. And on top of that, same-sex couples fighting for equality in the states where they live and love (19 states with legal gay marriage and counting!)

You would think that with all of that, I would hate weddings. You would think I'd resent marriage because I am unable to marry in the state I call home.

But I don't.

While I admit the wedding industry has gone off the deep end a bit, and while I find the fight for equality frustrating, I see through it all and feel hope. I still value marriage - I think that commitment matters. And the wedding itself is a way to share and celebrate your commitment with those closest to you.

I don't know how many weddings I've been to over my lifetime. But recently I attended my first gay wedding. Two friends of ours, also from Indiana, decided to do a destination wedding in CA where they could legally marry. It was a small group, not more than 20 guests, at a quiet resort, with a simple ceremony, a dinner afterwards--beautiful words, many tears of joy, and lots of laughter. Nothing big or pretentious. Just two beautiful brides, very much in love and content to say their vows in front of a few friends and family members.

I don't know if I've ever witnessed so much love. And god, did I cry like a baby. This is what weddings should be about. This is love. This is worth fighting for.



Katrina & I did some wood-burning artwork for the brides.
A few weeks ago I read "The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage and My Family" by Dan Savage (sex columnist and podcast host). An excellent book--it's a very honest look at what it means to commit your life to someone in marriage. Written in 2004 when George Bush is re-elected for a second term, Massachusetts is still the lone state where same-sex couples can marry, and the future of marriage equality is looking very grim.

In a nearly 10-year relationship with the love of his life, whom he has adopted a son with, Savage has reached a point in his life where he's genuinely considering marriage for the first time. His writing is personal and truthful, as he takes us along for this ride of whether or not to make "the commitment", as a gay man and father of a six-year-old. He explores what marriage has always meant in the past for his family and for mankind in general, he contemplates the why behind traditions, ceremonies and signed pieces of paper. It had me laughing, crying and thinking. It had me reflecting how much has changed for the U.S. in the 10 years since he wrote this.

I'd recommend this book to anyone truly, whether you're considering marriage or a skeptic of it, debating gay marriage (for or against), or simply just looking to become a more empathetic human, it's a great read.
_______________________________
"So when are you two getting married?" Katrina and I got asked the question repeatedly throughout the wedding weekend with our friends. For some reason we were the target couple, everyone was overflowing with happiness at the wedding, and happy weddings just make you want more happy weddings I guess.

I have different responses to this question, varying from "we'll see..." with a smile to a more serious response that might involve legality of marriage in Indiana, Katrina's internal struggle with labels and acceptance (she's not completely "out"). The truth? I would like that, someday. Katrina's not there yet. For now, I am content to just be together.

I don't care about a wedding, I don't care about "being married". It's not about any of that for me. It's about her. It's about making that commitment to each other. It's about going through life, bonded to this irreplaceable person you've found, treated by the world not just as two individuals, but an unbreakable pair. Marriages demand respect in our society. Making those vows still has significance. You are recognized as not just "a lover", but as family, the closest possible family, to the person you love the most. You are two halves of a whole.


P.S. If you're finding yourself involved or interested in the bible/homosexuality/morality of gay marriage debate, I recommend checking out this message from a Southern Baptist pastor, Danny Cortez, to his congregation. It is very genuine and thought-provoking, well said and worth the 60 minutes it takes to listen to it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqYvkVqVLFo
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