Best of 2014 | Single Forever

You’ve probably caught onto this by now, Dear Reader, but I’m not great with straight dudes. I rarely meet any – or at least not the kind with jobs or life goals or common decency – and if I do I immediately have an internal freak out and forget how to converse with humans.

I am really great at talking to men in whom I have no interest. Super awesome at picking ones who ask me for my prescription drugs in case they’ll make him feel all floaty. Fantastic at attracting the ones who require intimate knowledge of my bra size before they ask my first name. (Have we talked about the drag queen yet?)

Dating is, like, really hard, you guys.

I just want someone to tell me when and where to go, meet the guy, and eventually invite our mutual friend to the reception celebrating the elopement the dude and I will have after a reasonable amount of time. And really – the elopement is optional. What is a piece of paper anyway?

Project Fixup looks at how you describe yourself (I’m into general things like comedy and The West Wing, I’d prefer a college grad and don’t want to date a smoker) and not much else. It’s refreshing, honestly. Browse through their theme dates (board games, whiskey tasting, painting) and sign up! They’ll match you with someone else (heteros and homos welcome!) who signed up for the same date.

They even have double date events. You get matched, you bring a friend, your match brings a friend. Since 2014 is the Year of Yes, I signed up. Clearly this is the sort of thing I want to do with a partner, so I conned my (only single) friend, Hailey, into trying something new with me.

Our date is set for Sunday, March 2, at 6:00pm. That is, until Friday, when Project Fixup realizes there’s actually a bowling league until 8, so we’ll have to wait until then.

Naturally, Hailey and I decide we’re going to get dinner first.

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5:05 PM: Hailey picks me up at my apartment.

5:30 PM: Order our first round of drinks (mmm, hot cider on a cold winter’s eve) at the bar.

6:00 PM: Finish our burgers and order another round of cider.

7:00 PM: Receive text from Project Fixup – Reminder: Make it easy for Burt to find you by texting what you’re wearing, hair color, etc.

7:29 PM: Send text to Burt – Um, this is creepy, but I guess I’m supposed to tell you what we’re wearing.

7:32 PM: Receive text from Burt – I’m at the bar. Beard. Umphrey’s McGee track jacket.

7:33 PM: Umphrey’s McGee? Really? Like, really, really?

7:45 PM: See a movie theater. Discuss bailing and catching a flick. Decide that is counterproductive.

7:46 PM: Oh man, what if he just doesn’t bring anyone? No, we’re just being paranoid.

7:50 PM: Psych ourselves up and get out of the car.

7:50:30 PM: Spot some hardcore, unwashed hipsters leave the very bowling alley we’re about to enter. Clearly we will not fit in here.

7:52 PM: Order two Diet Cokes and make awkward conversation. Hailey does not take off her coat.

7:56 PM: Discover Burt’s friend is not, as we hoped, on his way. Our double date has officially become a two-on-one date.

7:58 PM: Make a joke about our respective hometowns (Cleveland for him, Detroit for me).

7:58:45 PM: Burt responds, “Hah, Pittsburgh.”

7:58:55 PM: Realize that’s the punch line.

7:59 PM: Wonder if Burt is imagining what I look like without skin.

8:00 PM: Hailey quietly notes she will not be bowling after all, she’ll just watch. She has not yet removed her coat.

8:00:05 PM: Realize this is a) creepy b) insane.

8:00:20 PM: We can just reschedule this, right?

8:00:35 PM: “You know, I think we should just reschedule for a time when your fried can make it. I just, you know, feel bad. I mean she’s alone.”

8:00:38 PM: “Yeah, su-“

8:00:39 PM: Hailey and I turn around and book it.

8:02 PM: “You never took your coat off.”

8:02:05 PM: “You haven’t even zipped yours up.”

8:08 PM: Back in the car, engine running, seat belts buckled, butt warmers on high. Hailey never took off her coat. I never zipped mine back up after running out.

8:35 PM: Couch, Shamrock Shakes (two, large), the Oscars telecast.

To be fair – Project Fixup can’t know that someone is a difficult or creepy human without the feedback I so graciously provided them. I wonder what their selection pool really looks like and if Burt and I were matched less because we looked like a cute couple and more because we were the only ones interested in an evening of bowling with strangers.

Their match experts responded quickly to my post-date concerns and provided me a refund with apologies – if you have the guts to try a date with even less information than the last guy or gal your Aunt Gert set you up with then Project Fixup is definitely worth a shot. Plus they use a third-party phone number for your matches, so he’ll never be able to contact me again.

But remember my story! This, as Hailey ends our live two-woman reenactment of our evening, is why we don’t try new things.