Doing it all- a confesh sesh

Holy crap.
This is so my life right now.

I just spent the last 30 minutes of nap-time writing a post on doing it all and boom. It disappeared.
Kill me now. Lets see if I can remember what I wrote. I guarantee it will be less wordy but hey.. I need to get this out.


I haven't blogged in over a month.
I've been super overwhelmed with life.
And honestly, I didn't know if anyone cared or even missed it.
I've been on the fence about stopping blogging all together.


Let's back up.
I've always been someone feels the need to do it all and do it well.
I've always been involved in leadership positions, clubs, service groups, etc.
Student council, service club president, prom queen, sorority president, one of the first of my friends to get married, one of the first to have a baby, have pictures and ideas "pinned" by other teachers, have people ask to recreate my parties for their kids, etc. My kids have always been good, well behaved, cute, and well dressed. I've always thought this makes up who I am. If I didn't do certain things, I was afraid people would think I couldn't do. Not that I didn't want to.

For instance. The cookie party.
Every year I host a Christmas cookie party for friends and family. This would have been the 8th year. I had such anxiety over this damn party. We had only 1 free weekend day in the month of December. I knew that people were expecting me to do it. I had friends texting me about dates and times well in advance because they knew I would be doing it. But damn. I didn't want to. I could care less about baking, eating, and voting on cookies. But I felt guilty. People expected me to do it. I liked how everyone said, "I don't know how you do it all". Again. It felt like this made up who I was. But I really, really, didn't want to do. So after talking with my mom and Nick. I didn't do it. (You may be thinking- wow- she is a crackhead.) And you may be right. My friends didn't care about the cookie party. They were totally fine. Everyone survived and we still managed to have a wonderful Christmas. In the grand scheme of life- this was no big deal. But I had made it into a huge deal in my head.

I took last year off to transition into having 3 kids. But I knew financially I couldn't do it again. We couldn't possibly live in the zip code we live in with just Nick's job. Yes, we could sell and move south where houses are less expensive. Yes, we could cut cable and other luxuries but I don't want to. So I work. And if I had to work, I knew I wanted to be Super Teacher/ Super Mom. I had friends who taught and then quit when it became to much with the kids. I knew I could give both jobs 100 percent. Even though they couldn't do it all, I would. But damn. It's hard. I am FAR from perfect at either job. Even though I bring my school bag home with work each night, I still feel like there are things I could be doing better. Even though I know my kids are loved, fed, bathed, and safe - I still feel discouraged that we have dishes in the sink and who knows the last time I vacuumed.

If you follow me on Instagram you know Reagan has been having a hard time at school. He's been disrespectful and defiant and has even bitten another student. I freaked. After talking with Nick I realized the reason I was most upset was because he wasn't been "the perfect son" for our "perfect family". I suddenly realized that maybe his teacher didn't think I had it all together. If we had it all together, he wouldn't be acting this way. How on Earth did I get this twisted to be about me?

I came home from a board meeting for our Mothers of Multiples group last night thinking, why don't I run for president next year? This would be the natural thing. I know I'm overwhelmed with everything right now. I know I already feel like I'm spread thin. But if anyone can do it... I should be able to do it. I told Nick this and he replied - "hell no".

I need to refocus.
I need to be the best mom, wife, teacher, daughter, friend, etc. I can be for me.
Not for other people.
Not for what others think of me.

I'm learning it's okay not to do it all. I'm learning it's okay to fail. Well, maybe not fail. But maybe not be perfect all the time. No one is perfect. Yes. My twins still use pacifiers. Yes. My 4 year old is naughty at school. Yes. I'd rather go to bed and watch real housewives alone than spend time talking with my husband most nights. You'll get over it and we'll all survive.