Mama Mess Up

“Mama, I scared (of) you.”

Those were the words my Goosie sobbed in my ear today after I yelled at her.

To be fair, I only yelled two sentences, “Goose! What are you doing?! Now it’s time out!” after I caught her pulling half the leaves off of Magoo’s shamrock plant after I had specifically told her not to touch it. And I think she was more startled than scared because if she were really scared OF me, she wouldn’t have ran into my arms for comfort.

But still…

My baby. The little girl I love and cherish and comfort and protect said those words.

I don’t shy away from disciplining the girls when they need it. My primary purpose it to help them grow up to be women of integrity. But I don’t believe in compliance through fear. I’m curt and short out of frustration, but I can count maybe one or two times I have yelled at any of them. With the curtness or the yelling, I apologize to them. I tell them that we all have a right to our anger but that no one, even mommies, has a right to act with disrespect.

I want them to trust and respect authority. I want them to trust and respect themselves.

My Goosie is a sensory kid. She likes to cuddle and experience things through her senses. She gets overwhelmed and tired sometimes from her passionate little life, and when that’s the case, she grabs her blanket and cuddles into me. For whatever reason, perhaps because I think in many ways we are so alike, we share a wavelength. Very few things in my life have calmed my heart rate like wearing her as a baby in a carrier, and the same is true for her. And today I feel as if perhaps I have fractured, if ever so slightly and reparably, that trust.

A mom is supposed to be an authority, a guide, a shelter, and a home. But today, if even for the briefest of seconds, I failed in that. I created fear instead of redemption. I scared her instead of instructed her. I helped her learn retribution rather than empathy.

And for that, many hours later, my heart is still heavy.

Please don’t get me wrong. I understand the need for boundaries and limits, but when we react in anger to those souls with whom we have been entrusted, we overstep our own boundaries and limits.

Tomorrow will be better. I’m sure of it. But tonight, I’ll lay my head and search for redemption.

No one is perfect. Especially us mamas. But how I so wish that weren’t true.