durham
Mr. F has been studying for the GMAT, the entrance exam for MBA programs since February. His dedication and determination never ceases to amaze me, especially as I struggle to shower every day. This whole journey has been the fulfillment of dreams for my husband and a matter of contention to me. Going to grad school means imminent moves, again, and more uncertainty in the future. A lot of it. While my husband has been seeing the world as his oyster, I have been craving stability and emotionally begging to stay put in Atlanta.
Over this past weekend, we drove to Durham, North Carolina for Mr. F to interview at and tour the business school. He spent all day Friday on campus, interviewing and in panels while I hung out with one of my dearest friends. He came home that night beaming. The school had exceeded his expectations and daydreams were becoming realities.
I was grumpy. Not an emotionally mature response, I admit. I have been so jealous of the GMAT and the school applications because they have taken so much of my husband's attention. I've felt emotionally strung out through this process and like I've been blindly following along. Seeing my husband so thrilled kind of broke me. It meant grad school was really going to happen. Moving in less than a year is a reality to deal with. To me, it meant even less time with my husband.
I was grumpy. Not an emotionally mature response, I admit. I have been so jealous of the GMAT and the school applications because they have taken so much of my husband's attention. I've felt emotionally strung out through this process and like I've been blindly following along. Seeing my husband so thrilled kind of broke me. It meant grad school was really going to happen. Moving in less than a year is a reality to deal with. To me, it meant even less time with my husband.
Why am I telling you all of this and not just telling you about how beautiful North Carolina is? Well, because, this is how I experienced the trip. My grumpy, lonely, petulant self wanted to emotionally sabotage the trip so that I would have a reason to say to my husband, "Nope, we can't go." Do I want him to go to school? Absolutely! It would be so contrary to my understanding of him to restrict his academic pursuits. I just don't want to go now. I keep wanting to live somewhere longer than two years. Heck, even a year and half! But that's just not what is happening.
On Saturday I went to Duke with Mr. F. I wandered the idyllic campus on my own while he sat in more panels before attending one of my own. I saw my husband interacting with fellow potential students and saw his joy. As I wandered, I pictured him studying on benches and preparing projects. I also saw myself with him. For the first time, it really felt like I could fit in the dream with him.
On Saturday I went to Duke with Mr. F. I wandered the idyllic campus on my own while he sat in more panels before attending one of my own. I saw my husband interacting with fellow potential students and saw his joy. As I wandered, I pictured him studying on benches and preparing projects. I also saw myself with him. For the first time, it really felt like I could fit in the dream with him.
During the drive home on Sunday, we talked endlessly. And very little of our conversation was about Duke. Or MBAs, or GMAT study schedules. We just talked. I felt myself relax and ease back into a relationship I've been missing with my husband because of my own stubbornness.
This weekend was such a good learning experience for me. I found myself again and felt peace about things that have been bothering me for no reason. Change is coming, as it always has been want to do, but I feel far more prepared to handle it.
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