Suicide Survivor

Apparently that’s the term used to refer to those who have lost loved ones due to suicide – not those who unsuccessfully try to commit suicide.

Why such a dark topic? I don’t know… I didn’t plan on writing this. It just happened. This morning I was scanning through my FB wall and someone shared an article from a website called “people we remember“. After reading that particular article, I decided to read more posts from the website and found one written by a suicide survivor. Interesting read and it hits home.

I’m pretty sure I had written about this before and I think (I hope) I have pretty much accepted what happened and no longer blame myself for it nor feel anger towards my friend or anyone else involved. But at the same time I feel compelled to write about it again.

Around 10 years ago I lost a dear friend. She committed suicide by jumping off a HDB block – she chose a block that overlooks her school and the beach. To say I was shocked was an understatement. The afternoon I heard the news from a friend, I was so sad and angry and confused that I lashed out at my dad when he tried to find out what happened. (Well he kinda panicked too I guess, concerned for me, because he repeatedly asked me how it happened even though at that point I didn’t know anything else other than the fact that she committed suicide and the funeral was to be on a Wednesday. And so I cried and screamed “I DON’T KNOW!!!!”)

Anyway my friend Michelle was my classmate in TKGS. We were both new students in Sec 3 and got quite close, even studying together for the O levels. She was always so hardworking and diligent, I often wondered how she got all her energy to study all the time. But it was fun to find someone who wanted to memorize everything word by word too and we took turns quizzing each other. I remember sitting in Starbucks at Marine Parade CC (now Scoop of Art) reciting the 8 functions of the liver, and that whole page in the Bio textbook about chlorophyll among other things. Haha.

She was Singaporean but grew up in Australia. Just like me, she moved to Singapore because of her dad’s work. We found some things in common and talked quite a bit about our past, how we were adjusting to Singapore, about what we wanted next, etc. Interestingly according to her, her parents were very laid back when it comes to school work – they did not demand perfection nor put pressure on her to do well in school. But she just had this internal drive to do well anyway. She wanted to go into forensic science.

After secondary school, we went to different junior colleges. She preferred to go to her school of choice (VJC) while I would rather get the subject combination I wanted, so I went to TJC and took triple science.

A little side note on SG school system if you’re interested to know:
Students are streamed from as early as primary school. There are many different paths and it gets quite complicated. When I was in secondary school, I was part of the “Express” stream and in Secondary 3 students get streamed into triple science, double science, sub science and arts but not all schools offer all these combinations. When I just moved to Singapore, I attended BNSS for Sec 2 but they didn’t offer triple science so I transferred to TKGS.

While I still couldn’t take triple science in TKGS (typically the triple science classes are the top classes and places are reserved for their own students first, plus the ASEAN scholars who entered the SG school system in Sec 3. All other new Sec 3 students were offered places in sub-science classes only), they offered a physics-chemistry-sub-science combo with pure biology. A pure science subject is taught at higher level than a sub science subject. But effectively I was taking all 3 science subjects, which I find preferable to just doing two science subjects. And in TKGS I think they did teach those sub science subjects at almost the same level as the “pure” science classes because I found I didn’t have much to catch up on in junior college.

Anyway I simply didn’t want to decide to drop any science subject at that point. But because I was from a sub-science class, the vice principal in VJC told me it was highly unlikely I’d be able to get into a triple science class there no matter how well I did for O levels simply because everyone else would get As too and they were from triple science classes in Secondary School. On the other hand TJC happily let me into a triple science class knowing that I took sub Phy-Chem plus pure Bio plus Additional Maths (there were two math subjects). And that’s that. *phew*

So we went to different JCs and kept in touch but didn’t meet up as often. Once in a while we spent hours talking on the phone, sharing stories. She was one of the VERY few people I actually enjoy talking on the phone to. In most other cases, I only send messages. I hate the phone with a vengeance. =p

Gradually it seemed she didn’t enjoy her time in JC and sounded pretty depressed about her grades. To me it’s a fact of life that everyone in JC got depressing grades (the average grades were C-Es not As or Bs) but during A levels students in our schools historically scored very well anyway. So my grades didn’t bother me and I even found it hilarious that the passing mark could go really low like 30-40% just because everyone did so badly across the board.

At the same time she had always had pretty negative view of her own abilities too. She told me about how she had to get some sort of IQ test or aptitude test before she could try entering one of the better schools like TKGS. I didn’t have to take that but I’m not sure if that’s because I was simply transferring from another secondary school while she was a new student in Singapore. Anyway she told me she barely qualified and so she often doubted her abilities. But hey, anyone who can memorize textbooks as well as she did qualify as being very smart in my books!

But in VJC they had this dual lecture system thingy where there was a normal lecture session and a fast-track one… or something like that. And their lecture notes were not very good. Not good at all. She showed me a huge stack of notes where the teacher basically photocopied various things and combined them on to a page. It was in no way like the comprehensive, easy to read notes that I got for all subjects from my teachers in TJC. I’m not sure how their notes are now, but it was still as bad when my brother went there. He even found it more helpful to use some of my notes and textbooks. So anyway Michelle told me she had some difficulties keeping up with her studies, even after she stayed up really late practically every single night to study. Hmm I stayed up late too… but to play games and chat on MSN. =p

It was June 2003 and the school holiday just started – a brief reprieve before we had our prelims and A levels that year. I was in my school’s symphonic band and we just had a concert the previous Saturday. We had not met in a while and were trying to set up time to meet. She wanted to meet me that Saturday but I couldn’t because of the concert. I invited her to attend my band concert but she was never into that sort of things. So we agreed to meet up after that.

On Monday afternoon, I was just relaxing on my bed doing nothing when my phone rang. Wani (another classmate from TKGS) called and told me Michelle passed away – she committed suicide. Either the line wasn’t good, or I was just about to fall asleep before the call and so wasn’t very alert, or I was simply a little deaf, or couldn’t believe what I heard, but I kept asking Wani over and over again to repeat what she said. A group of us decided to go to her funeral, and later, the cremation that Wednesday.

Later we found out that she went missing on Saturday night, and was later found dead at the bottom of a block in Marine Terrace / Marine Crescent on Sunday. Because of the way she died, the coffin was kept closed and we couldn’t have a last look at her.

On Wednesday itself we were walking back from the funeral home when my mom called and told me I received a letter from Michelle. It turned out she posted a few letters to some people and I was one of them. She thanked me for our friendship but didn’t explain anything about her decision to commit suicide. She must have posted it that Saturday since it took until Tuesday to reach me and mails here typically takes only 1-2 days to get delivered. The Saturday when she wanted to meet me. I felt extremely guilty knowing I turned down her request. Who knows it might be her last attempt to reach out for help. Maybe she had decided to commit suicide even before that, but maybe not. Maybe I could still persuade her to change her mind if she confided in me, but then again maybe not. If we had met we might just chit chat casually and she might have chosen not to reveal anything anyway. No one would know but I still felt very guilty at the time.

A website was set up by one of her friends and the TJC school counselor called the few of us who were classmates in TKGS to help us go through the grieving process. I remember we were asked to write one final letter to Michelle. I wanted to reach out to her family and let them know I received a letter from her but I was afraid I’d be intruding and I was not sure what else might have caused her to commit suicide. So I didn’t.

It was a confusing time and I reacted in different ways. From feeling guilty and angry at myself, to being angry at her for doing something that silly, to deciding that getting good grades was meaningless. I got angry if I felt the need to study (because I felt it was stupid and pointless) and yet I got angry when I didn’t do that well. I also got angry when I did well because I thought, see Michelle if I could do it without killing myself (literally and metaphorically), you most definitely could have done it too! I told her many times the A levels would be so much easier than school tests – that we’d both do well. She didn’t believe me! =/

One night I had a very vivid dream of Michelle and I in this strange place. It looked like a place in Egypt with all the sandy landscapes and pyramids. Anyway there were some sort of festivities and we were running happily from one place to another, and she told me she was happy then. Weird. But if it was truly her spirit reaching out to me and she was indeed in a happier place, then I’m grateful for that.

Today I still feel sad when I remember her death, but I’m also happy I got to know Michelle – a wonderful, kind-hearted friend. I wish things could have turned out differently but I have finally accepted that they didn’t. It’s something beyond my control.

Reading that article brought back memories and I’m glad I could get through it okay, somewhat. I hope I don’t ever have to go through another loved one’s suicide but if it happens then it happens. I just have to remind myself that there will always be things beyond my control and suicides are very unfortunate but sometimes they are really no one’s fault and I need to accept that.