Jokes to Steal

DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS? Friday, Hannah Montanas. It's Friday. It's also August 1. The first day of August. Augusto if you like a flourish. Augusté if you're like the Yeswayrosé ladies and like to put an E-hat on everything. Augusta if you're in Georgia. Acca-gust if you're obsessed with Pitch Perfect. Auguwhat if you're like WHAT THE FRANK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AMELIA? I'm talking about the fact that I would never, ever, let you guys head into a weekend empty handed without a few jokes to blow into the faces of whomever you're conversing with at this weekend's pool party or cool jarty. But this comes with a warning: I stole these punchlines off Twitter. So we're going to have to get creative here to avoid the dreaded "...I've heard that before." One time, for example, my friend Jess was engaged in a rap battle at a bar. Her go-to battle-move was to spit ALL of the lyrics from P. Diddy's "Bad Boys for Life." Since most people don't know the full song by heart, Jess usually got away with this. But on a fateful Thursday at our college brewsky haunt, dear Jessica met her match when her opponent said, "...I've heard that before." She lost, and therefore we lost. Guys, I will not let you lose. The key is to work the joke, or punchline, or funny thought into whatever convo the crew is currently having. Just drop it in nonchalantly, then stand back. If someone says, "Hey I've heard that..." just laugh really loudly and throw their phone in the pool. Ready? If you're standing in a circle of people discussing politics, guide the conversation to Harry Potter and the evils of Voldemort. Then say:

Looking back at it now, some of the things Lord Voldemort did were actually quite hurtful — Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 14, 2014

When you inevitably scream at the site of a bee near your face and some asshole is like, "Calm down that bee is more afraid of you than you are of it," respond:

When I hear animals are more afraid of me than I am of them, I'm like, OK animals, last time I checked, it wasn't a competition — Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 3, 2014

If some douche wants to compare arm tans and you're too busy to be bothered, tell them:

Band-Aids have a better tan than I do. — Doug Cooper (@thedougbag) June 24, 2014

(Compare THAT, Tina.) Now here's one that's more of an activity than a joke!

A fun game is to write "it looks like a potato" on every photo of a baby your friends post. — Doug Cooper (@thedougbag) January 23, 2013

And I think that if you're on a date, you should just randomly blurt out this:

Sometimes I like to scream at the birds outside my window while I eat a bucket of chicken so that they know they are not safe. — Doug Cooper (@thedougbag) January 19, 2013

Finally, the next time you suggest filling up a kiddie pool with lemonade from the beverage isle while still at Walmart and someone says, "But we have to drive 5 hours at least to get to the nearest place that even has the suffix 'mart' in its name," scream this:

Don't even fucking talk to me if you can't have summertime fun on a budget — Brendan O'Hare (@brendohare) July 12, 2014

And that, my friends, is how you do a weekend. Now can you please give me some new Twitter accounts to read? These 3 guys above just filed restraining orders on me. Feature Image shot by Matt Irwin for style.com

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