What Roommate Surveys Should Really Be Asking

By now, those of you who are college freshman have eased into your first year. Perhaps you’re realizing that showering is overrated, Chipotle is not, and money cannot be seen growing on any of the quad’s trees. You also may or may not be sleeping beneath said trees. And who could blame you? Your roommate has a mound of underwear piling up on her side of the floor. Her morning alarm is burned into your sleepless brain. She’s decided to host a Phish listening party in your room.

Many of us have been failed by our universities’ respective “Roommate Preference” system. The surveys we filled out as freshmen were designed to pair us with our ideal matches, but more often than not, they didn’t.

When I think back to my dorm days, the image that comes to mind is of the shower in my four-person suite. The drain was clogged with the hair of multiple women, so you couldn’t wash yourself without the water rising mid-calf. The floor was coated with a grime so thick, it once took me two days to scrub the mystery stuff off. When I did, nobody noticed. I showered at the gym from there on out.

I distinctly recall checking the “very clean” box on my roommate survey, although I do believe my penmanship spoke for itself.

Common roommate preference questions include:

1. Are you an early/late/ just in time for class riser?

How can one answer this question? Everybody knows it depends on the weather.

2. When listening to music, do you prefer the volume set soft/medium/ loud?

In or out of the shower? Drake or Kanye?

3. Would you consider yourself outgoing/moderately reserved/ quiet?

Depends on what my TV lineup looks like that evening.

The diluted survey questions command less depth than a Buzzfeed quiz claiming to answer which kind of burrito you are. Just because I checked off “early riser” does not mean I’m okay with my roommate’s 7 AM snooze button noise. Until this day, I cannot hear the sound of an iPhone’s “Constellation” without feeling pangs of anxiety. So, in honor of midterm season and roommate horror stories everywhere, I’ve devised a list of questions roommates surveys should really be asking. Here’s looking to you, NYU.

But who am I to say? Maybe you lucked out with your roommate. Maybe you guys spend Tuesday nights baking oatmeal raisin cookies and watching The Mindy Project while Ella Fitzgerald jazzes it up in the background. Or maybe, like me, you’ve got some horror stories up your sleeve. Come on, tell us. We promise not to tell your roommate.

Video courtesy of The Cut