when church feels like home

Back in September of last year, I wrote this post about how church gives me anxiety. In that post I revealed that I hadn't actively attended church since I was 18, mostly due to the spiritual dissatisfaction I felt after attending a private Christian college and the growing pains of figuring out what my faith really meant to me. But I ended that blog post with hope. My husband and I had just started attending a new church and had even joined a Bible study. At the end I wrote:

I'm not going to lie, we were both incredibly nervous and wary the first week we attended. We are brand new and haven't gotten a chance to form any meaningful connections with anyone so far. We had no idea what to expect or what people expected of us. And you know what? It was better than we thought. We went and it was better than we thought and we both breathed a little sigh of relief. It's only been two weeks so anything can happen, but that also means that good things can happen and that's enough for me to keep going.

It's been six months since I hit publish on that post and I'm happy to say that my husband and I not only continued to attend that church and Bible study, but now we are in the process of becoming official members!

I mean, this is sort of a big deal for us. After years of being burned out by vocational ministry, Christian leadership, and Christian subculture in general, we didn't really know if or when we would ever find a church to call home. Now that we have, it feels like a very momentous occasion in our spiritual journeys, both individually and as a couple. This will be the first time in my adult life that I am choosing to be a part of a church community. Whoa. Kinda cool, right?

We found a church home. We found a church that is racially, socioeconomically, and generationally diverse. We found a church that advocates for the poor. We found a church that affirms women in church leadership, CAN I GET AN AMEN?? We found a church where we feel closer to God and closer to our brothers and sisters in Christ. We found a church that was right for us and yes, it took four years but I'd like to think it was worth it.

There has been a lot of talk lately about Christians who leave the church, some temporarily and some indefinitely. If anyone understands, it's me. As someone who stopped formally going to church almost 10 years ago, I get it. I really and truly do. Churches are far from perfect and some are downright unhealthy and abusive. I understand fully and completely why many people stop attending church. But part of me is happy my story didn't end there.

Not going to church is part of my faith journey, but coming back to church is part of my journey as well. There is something very freeing about being able to say that I'm not going to church out of guilt or obligation or pressure or concern over whether or not I'm being a "good Christian." For the first time in my life, I'm going to church because I actually really want to be there. A healthy, thriving, supportive, and loving church community is not the myth I once thought it was. They exist, thank God. Amen and amen.

My anxiety about church is not completely gone. I'd be lying if I said there aren't times when I worry about opening myself up to a faith community. But overall? It feels good to be back in church. The scars are slowly starting to heal and our faith in church is being restored. Even if it is one Sunday at a time.


Do we have similar stories? Did you grow up in the Church but stop attending when you became an adult? Have you been struggling to find a church home? What do you look for when deciding to become part of a church community? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments!


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