An Open Letter

An open letter to the woman who stopped me, with her actual hands, at the grocery store and let me know that my kids "need someone with a hard hand to put them in their place."
I think you also mentioned something about "spoiled rotten" or some similar sentiment but after you put your paws on my newly purchased floral kimono and not gently, might I add, squeezed my arm to get my attention, I kind of tuned out what you were saying and started thinking about punching you in the face.
But first, I would like to commend you on being out today in the pouring rain with two little children. As you know, it's no easy task taking kids grocery shopping. It sucks, it never goes as planned, they almost always act out in aisle seven right at the exact moment that gallon of soy milk magically jumps out of your cart and splatters all over the ground. Have you ever had a kid face plant out of the cart and onto the cement floor? I have. One screams, the other laughs, everyone stares and no one helps. No matter how well you bribe them, they fight with each other like it's World War Three. No matter how many times you warn them, they get their fingers stuck in-between the cart and the checkout stand. And the tears. The whining. It's enough to put one away on the crazy train for life.

So I would like to earnestly applaud you for braving the elements today and venturing out to such a scary place like the grocery store with real live monsters in tow, but also for looking incredibly fabulous while doing so.

Oh wait.
That was me.
Oops, my bad.
Let me start over. I would like commend you, kimono arm grabber, for having the blazing balls to physically assault (ok ok, so maybe that's a stretch) a visibly distressed (yet amazingly dressed) mother who was obviously trying in vain to control her two young children from knocking every vodka bottle off the shelves and onto the floor. (What? So I was in the liquor aisle. Sue me.)
Even if you had no idea what the hell you were even talking about, congrats, pat on the back, and all that jazz.
Did you know that five minutes prior to entering that liquor aisle (aka heaven) we were back a few by the medications searching for something, anything, please God anything that would help my youngest sleep longer than 30 minute stretches? 'Cause see sweetie, he's been battling a nasty cold with impressive phlegm and the entire house has been disrupted the past few days. Did you know that? Of course you didn't. However, after seeing you here, I also didn't know shoulder pads and scrunchies were making a comeback so I guess now we're even.
Did you also know it happened to be nap time when you violated my left bicep and auditory perception? What's that? Why were we in fact at the grocery store during nap time? Good question!! Let me tell you why.
We were at the grocery store during nap time because we were out of all the basics; bread, milk, vodka, etc., and usually, I always try to plan my grocery trips around a time I know my kids will behave in a decent manner. Usually as in like 99% of the time. However. As life goes, and as I mentioned earlier, my kid has been hacking and snotting up a storm (he even threw up on me last night. Completely missed the puke bowl by a mile and thus all. over. me.) so that's been nice and my husband has been working out of town five days a week so I see him only on the weekends and so basically I'm doing this single mom thing over here all by myself (but don't feel too bad for me, I mean, let's be honest, I drive a luxury car and can online shop from time to time, so by all means, please feel sorry for me, just don't go overboard) and you just happened to catch my on the one day a year I decided to venture out to the store during omg nap time! so my kids wouldn't starve to death.
Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bump you with my shopping cart. Or rather, this ginormous plastic taxicab contraption that grocery store chains have started providing for kids to ride in much to their parents dismay. Have you ever tried to steer one of these things?! It's flippin' impossible! They don't turn worth crap and they run into everything and of course we ended up with the one with a wonky wheel and let me tell you something 80s lady, pushing two upset children in this shitmobile with a wonky wheel is possibly the worst thing that could happen to an upstanding contributing member of society much like myself EVER!
I'm actually so happy to have ran into you today. You provided an excellent conversation starter with my kids on the way home as to how not be a raging asshole.
I would also like you to know that the toilet bowl just overflowed. You know my child that puked on me? Well that pesky little bug he has has worked it's way out the backend, if you know what I mean. I just got done cleaning literal shit off the floor and I'm pretty sure I just heard my second child puke in the living room.
And we have berber carpet!!
Which must mean the trickle down has started and such is the circle of life.
Still judging me for being in that liquor aisle?
Sincerely, someone who has a much better sex life than you.
Obviously.