Riding a roller coaster as a mom, this is not a metaphor
Over the weekend we took the kids to their first amusement park. I have not been to a place like this since before I had children. That might have been almost two decades ago but one second into our first (mini)roller coaster I was shocked right back into memory of who I used to be and what parenting has done to my mind.
Riding on a roller coaster pre and post kids:
Pre-kids- Wheeeee
Post-kids- Here we go, did we remember all children? Should we have started off with a more mild ride? Oh look there’s the carousel, maybe we should have eased them into things with something like that, then the bumper cars then the… are we really already going this fast?
Pre-kids- I hope I don’t lose my sunglasses.
Post-kids- Oh my gosh my sunglasses just lifted off of my nose a little. I hope the boys glasses don’t fall off. Parker might be okay for the day without his glasses but Sawyer would never last. I think I have both of their prescriptions in my wallet if we need new pairs. Oh shoot it’s Saturday, there are no optometry offices open on the weekend. Could they last until Monday without them? And then they would have to order the glasses, unless they have them in stock but that rarely happens. We could try that online site that everyone talks about for frames, oh shoot a turn.
Pre-kids- Oh yay, sunglasses still on.
Post-kids- Holy crap that turn hurt, I’m going to be sore after this. Did I bring Motrin or just Exedrin because only the Motrin will work for muscle aches. If I bounced against the side of the seat that hard what about the two kids alone? They are strapped into those seats but their bodies take up so much less room they are probably sliding all over the place. Are they strapped in? Did I double-check? Did Mark? Can I really trust the 14 year old manning the ride? I haven’t recovered from the turn and now we’re going up a hill.
Pre-kids- Woohoo
Post-kids- Should I put my hands up or should I hold onto the bar incase it does that freakish thing you hear about on the news and dislodges? I’ll hold on to protect Sawyer since he’s next to me but oh my gosh did we just swing out a little bit too far from the rail? Is everyone still inside? I should have sat behind the rest of the kids instead of in front of them. If I turn my head will it dislodge the bar that thank-you-god hasn’t dislodged yet?
Pre-kids- Is my fanny pack still on? It is. Wheeee.
Post-kids- I wish fanny packs were still popular. I can’t believe I had to leave my purse in that bin. At least I left my wallet in the … was that a scream? One of them is screaming. Was that a good scream or a bad scream? If they don’t like this ride it’s going to be a long day. The boys will recover but McKenna will be so upset and we won’t be able to get her on anything else. How will we manage the rest of the rides? I could stay with McKenna and Mark could take the boys but then there will be two kids and one adult and how will that work on The Scrambler? Oh good we’re going downhill, I see the end.
Pre-kids- Aaaaaahhhhhh!
Post-kids- Omg, this is when women make the switch from pantyliners to adult diapers. What is pushing down on my bladder if there are no kids left in there? I need a bathroom but I really don’t because I think the damage is already done. I have extra clothes in the car but if I run to the car can I get back into the … oh look the ride is over.
Pre-kids- (Already in line for the next ride)
Post-kids- Is everyone okay? You loved it? Oh yay! Anyone need sunscreen? Water? We’re going again? Hand me your glasses and let me triple-check your seat belts, you’re all going to sit next to a full-figured adult to cushion the ride. I’m headed to the souvenir shop, cross your fingers that they stock adult diapers next to the cotton candy or Mommy’s going to have to buy a $200 plush toy to wear in my pants.
