coming clean: three years later

Three years ago, I lost complete control of my life in one massive anxiety attack.

Two years ago on the last Friday of September, I reflected on how far I had come in that year. I was scared – very scared – that I was going to fall back into those old patterns.

Last year, it was easy to see all of those baby steps were getting me closer to being on the path to acceptance of who I really am.

(Photo source: the Yogi Times FB page)

It hasn’t been the smoothest sail in the past twelve months, and there have been re-routings that I could have NEVER seen coming. I didn’t always get my way and the Universe tested my patience. But I would remember the sankulpa – the meaningful intention – I set at the Rod Stryker Four Desire workshop last September, and I knew that what felt like missteps were actually part of the path. Those alternative ways of getting here today were vital in my accepting this perfectly imperfect soul that is me.

This year, it’s a different story. Last night, when I realized I was coming upon this anniversary, I was shaken at first. But then a sense of confidence came over me. I am not scared of the anxiety in a way I previous was. As I consider myself now in “maintenance mode”, the sense of panic that overcomes me occasionally gets easier to shake off — and with a hip shake a la Taylor Swift style, of course. I know what tools to use, what breathing patterns and yoga poses to do, and who to lean on when I’ve entered what I lovingly call “bat sh*t crazy land”.

For the longest time, I wanted to label what I was fighting against. I wanted something to be mad at, to yell at, to cry over. But holding on to all of that negative energy is EXHAUSTING. So I’m throwing the need to define it, to label it, to “own” it right out the window.

(Photo source: the Yogi Times FB page)

…mostly because that’s no longer me. For the first time in a long time, I have vision of where I’m headed, where I’m going, who I’m meant to be. That comes from having a clear perception — and full belief that you are serving the world in a way that comes from the most authentic part of you: your soul and its desires.

So on this final Friday of September — and every last Friday in the month of September — I will always be called to STOP. But I’m never going to stay in that moment long. Ain’t nobody got time for that. And neither do you.

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