THAT band
everybody has THAT band. you know the one-you listen to their albums on repeat and know every word by heart. you collect as many articles and as much information on them as you can and read about their musical inspiration and influences late into the night like some freaky stalker. and, of course, when you finally get to see them live, you scream like one of those teenage fan girls in the 60's when the Beatles would play a concert. for me, passion pit is that band.
i first heard about passion pit at the beginning of my senior year of high school. i was looking for new music and found myself entranced by what has often been described as the "bubblegum pop" band and their frontman's sexy mariah carey dolphin-call pitched vocals, which were higher than some of the sopranos in my choir class could sing. lead singer, michael angelakos, also went to school at emerson college in boston, where i had just been accepted, so i automatically thought he was sooo cool.
my interest in the group remained steady through my first semester of college. then one day, i actually listened to some of the lyrics i was singing along with. the song was the reeling and for years i had been repeating "look at me, oh look at me, is this the way i'll always be? oh no" like a mantra but what i was saying had never registered. at the time, i was battling (and trying to hide) an eating disorder at a tiny theater conservatory where you see and perform, sometimes in ballet in a LEOTARD, and know everyone else's business with the same 50 classmates day in and day out. i was also living in a dorm room with my best friend and another classmate which made throwing up when i DID eat a big problem. i was only three years into this disease (i say only because some battle this for decades) and i felt like i was never going to get out of it. i would go through horrible bouts of depression where i couldn't get out of bed and felt so hopeless. it was at this time i really heard the words i had been singing and finally realized why i sang them on repeat. these words carried me through some of my toughest times with my disease and were there when i was struggling to get out of the trenches-fighting depression, anorexia, bipolar disorder, ocd, and bulimia.
a weird time in my life came after i had left college and had convinced myself i was almost "cured". i went through a few difficult things in my personal life and seemed to fall right back into the old cycle of crippling depression and disordered eating. this was around the same time i heard that passion pit's third album, gossamer, was going to be released. i waited anxiously for the new cd and bought it at amoeba the day it came out. i listened to the new songs over and over and over again until i decided "yep, i like this one even more than the first two". gossamer's lyrics depicted a struggle with sadness and a battle with ones' demons even more clearly than its predecessors and i found myself comforted by how closely i could relate. as i started to really want to know more about this group i had come to love, i came across the article about angelakos' journey with mental illness in pitchfork. of course, many artists are plagued by depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. but i had never identified the same way i could with passion pit's way of incorporating it into their songs. the tormented lyrics angelakos sings and matches with his unbelievably upbeat, yet sometimes haunting, music seemed to perfectly portray the manic phases i often experienced-thinking and acting as if i were on top of the world. untouchable. nothing could stop me. but then of course something always did-i would come crashing down into that all too familiar debilitating depression.
when my opportunity to see passion pit came not long after gossamer's release i took it. they played at the hollywood bowl and even though my seat was up in the bleachers you better believe i snuck into the box seats and eventually into the wannabe pit that was trying to form in front of the stage (it was quickly broken up by security). the entire performance was incredible and i couldn't believe how much heart the band put into their show. angelakos jumped and ran around that stage like it was the only chance he'd ever have to perform in front of the audience. like it was his fifteen minutes of fame and he was going to make it count. he sang every note in his famous falsetto just as beautifully, if not more, as on his cds and i screamed as loud as i could and lost my voice. still, it wasn't enough. i saw the band was going to play a show right by the college i had recently left in pittsburgh and booked a flight and bought my ticket to see them. i was my very own version of a modern-day "band-aid" (but, you know, the band didn't need my aid or even know i existed :p). unfortunately right before i was suppose to leave, i suffered another horrible bout of depression that confined me to my bed for days. needless to say, missing the concert bummed me out some more.
fast forward to pretty recently. though i am not "cured" of my illnesses, i really don't believe anyone ever is, thanks to the right doctors, my family, and just hanging on, i am in stable condition and am able to function on an every day basis-most of the time happily, a feeling i once truly believed was unattainable. i haven't needed passion pit's music in the same way i have in the past-searching for something to relate to when everything seemed to be falling apart, but i still love them just as much and think they are incredible musicians with meaningful songs that anyone who has ever felt down or hurt or just mixed up and confused about life, not only people who suffer from mental illness, can relate to. i admire the way angelakos uses the position he's in to speak out so openly about depression, bipolar, and mental illness in general. it's inspiring and brings so much hope to others suffering to hear how dark things have gotten for michael in the past and yet he seems to have come out on top-with his immense musical accomplishments and now even speaking of being happy with his wife and wanting to write a cheerful album complete with love songs.
at the end of march hector told me passion pit was playing in la again before coachella. i begged him to take me and he said of course because i had taken him to see his favorite band, mumford and sons. i was thrilled. i listened to all three albums for weeks leading up to the concert and almost didn't want the day to come because i didn't want it to be over. on the day of the concert hector and i got to the venue five hours early to get tickets in the pit. while we waited i wondered if the band i once obsessed over was worth all the trouble. once we got inside we waited another two hours. we were front and center so i tried to look enthused as i bobbed along to the dj before the concert and the opening act even though i felt like i was falling asleep. the whole time i just kept thinking no way can this be worth it, i probably grew out of them, etc. etc. but then the lights went out and passion pit came on stage and the biggest smile spread across my face as i started screaming with the rest of the crowd. suddenly the bright colored lights came up, the music started, and i couldn't stop myself from jumping up and down as michael, the audience, and i sang (or screamed) the words to their opening song that seem to have followed me through this long journey, "look at me, oh look at me, is this the way i'll always be? oh no! oh nooooo!"
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