shame + infertility

When I wrote last week about “how I find my people“, I got a lot of response for you. (and I love it, thank you). My prayer is through this space that I can offer some encouragement to you. I want you to know you are not alone! I’ve been there, and I am there, and it’s a constant battle. I can’t tell you the insecurities that came after posting that last week. The enemy sure knows where to get me, and I started to think all sorts of crazy thoughts. ”what if I really am not that close to who I think I am?”, “she used to be my friend now she’s disappeared, what happened?”, “everyone is hanging out without me”, “I feel so alone”. I don’t tell you these things to make you feel sorry for me, quite the opposite. I want you to know that we all struggle sometimes, with feelings of inadequacy, and doubt. and I’m learning that vulnerability opens up the doors to those feelings of insecurity. but I’m also learning it’s refining me, changing me, and it’s worth it.

I’m the kind of person that reads multiple books at once, and it seems like this past week every book I read talked about shame at some point. Shauna Niequist, in Bread and Wine, talked about shame as it relates to our bodies. She was talking about not wanting to be in a bathing suit in the summer, and she said this quote that I thought was so perfect: “no one is thinking about you as much as you are”. yep. she is great with analogies, and she said shame is like we think there is a video reel that’s playing all of our mistakes over and over again and those we trust and respect most have all seen it. shame.

then there’s Brene Brown and Daring Greatly. yall, this book is kicking my ass. It’s one of those read half a chapter then think about it for a week type books. In my bath time disconnect time, I read half a chapter on….you guessed it – SHAME. I could have stopped at the first sentence,

“shame derives its power from being unspeakable. That’s why it loves perfectionists – it’s so easy to keep us quiet. If we cultivate enough awareness about shame to name it and speak to it, we’ve basically cut it off at the knees. Shame hates having words wrapped around it. If we speak shame, it beings to wither. Just the way expose to light was deadly to the grimlins, language and story bring light to shame and destroy it”

she says that in all her 12 years of research on shame, that shame is “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging”. She goes on to talk about how we all struggle with feeling shame, not just people who have survived unspeakable trauma. In one of the responses they received for an example for shame was….infertility.

I tell you all this to say, I know I am called to speak language and story to my shame – infertility and beyond. but I’m also telling you it’s not going to be easy, but it will no doubt be freeing. it will bring LIGHT. and as a daughter of the most high god, I have been rescued from darkness to the kingdom of light. I’ve been freed to see others be set free. and I’m learning so much of who I am in Christ, and what he’s called me to. So as I begin to write more about infertility, and shame, and being vulnerable will you cover me in prayer? Can we rise up as a sisterhood together and call shame like we see it, expose it and bring it to light so it’s destroyed?! I know in my heart I am not the only one who wants this. we are in this together sweet sisters.