Shade vs Reading

I LOVE my fair portion of trash reality television, and Real Housewives of Atlanta definitely does not miss the plate. This season thus far has been an interesting one with Porsha’s divorce, Mama Joyce’s hatred for Todd, and whether or not Kenya actually did offer to “suck Apollo’s wee-wee”. I wish I was making some of this shit up.

On one of the more recent episodes cast member Nene Leakes brought along one of her friends Mynique to a group gathering where she was later then schooled on the fundamentals of throwing shade and reading.

No, not that kind of reading.

• Shade: acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone a.k.a “throwing shade”.

• Read: To tell someone about themself, as in “Don’t do it bitch, I will read your ass”.

Shade throwing and serving a good read–you either know it or you don’t. Personally it’s not something that can be taught, especially in the span of a few minutes and then be put up against almost the entire cast of Real Housewives of Atlanta–because chances are you won’t be ready.

However, let’s get with the Gawds and break this all down: Get your glasses handy because the library is officially open, honey chile.

THE CASE OF THE EX-FRIEND

You two used to be close, almost too close. You went everywhere, you knew everything and couldn’t imagine them out of your future. Now for whatever reason that is no longer the case and you have no intentions on seeing them ever again BUT since the universe hates you life has a way of showing it loves you there they are alive, in the flesh, and in your presence.

Amongst the midst of side eyes and death glares, one of five things will end up happening.

They will be ignored.

You’re not here for it and you hope they caught an episode or two of Blue’s Clues to take a clue and realize to stay in their ghostly lane and away from yours. Smile and keep it moving, ma’am.

Fake conversation and shade will be thrown.

You don’t give a key limed fuck what they’ve been doing since you two stopped talking but you will entertain the idea since they seem so adamant on knowing what’s been going on in your life. You keep it light and all is face sneers and lollipops until a comment is made that sits funnier than a late night at Taco Bell with you.

READING WILL TAKE PLACE

Sister girl went there and now you feel obligated to throw them back in the lane they crawled out of. Not. here. for. it.

Drunk cry and make up

They’re sorry. You’re sorry. At least your vodka/cranberry is and eventually you will be the next day upon reading apologetic text messages back and forth with your former and fighting a vicious hangover.

Go to jail and end up on WorldStar

Or all of the above.

AIN’T NO EX LIKE AN EX

The only thing worse than being in a room with an ex friend, is being in one with an ex lover, or worse–an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

Sure, there are some exes that can find common ground and get a long for the sake of mankind.

Others, not so much.

You tried being friendly and handling yourself with the dignity and grace Kate Middleton would be proud of, but can you really resist throwing a little shade when under the same roof of the fool that broke your heart?

Or completely getting together their “date” for the evening after they felt bold enough after a few vodka/sodas to come and talk to you.

Then there is the ultimate shade and my personal favorite, the hair flip and ignore.

They could sit right across a table from you and you wouldn’t even as much sneeze their direction. You weren’t checking for them anymore before you got there, and you aren’t about to start now. Hello and good day.

SHADY FACE

And let’s not forget, shade can be thrown not just verbally, but when by face as well.

A face can say a thousand words.

THE AUTOMATIC READS

While some of these can get away with just a little shade, other scenarios can almost qualify for an automatic read.

Someone you just simply don’t like.

They don’t like you and you damn sure don’t like them but they somehow have made their way into your circumference to tell you a thing or two. Suddenly you are all out of Act Right juice and are possessed to let it be known with this person.

Someone comes for a loved one.

Someone flirts with your significant other

It’s become clear more than a few times that you and your boo are not interested, but yet here they are again.

And while there is reading, there is READING TO FILTH–Reading on the expert level. You want none of it.

And with all of that, the library is officially now closed.

Stay educated, my friends!