April Showers

I spent the month of April bawling like a baby.
Sobbing like I haven't in years.
It started one morning while I was waiting outside Zuri's preschool. I was going through my Email and I noticed one from her new Kindergarten school she'll be attending this Fall and opened it immediately.
I was shocked at what I read.
It stated that she couldn't be enrolled in the Transitional Kindergarten program I put her in because of her birthday.
I knew I wanted to give her one extra year before real kindergarten, but until I opened that Email I didn't realize how much I wanted that extra year for her, and for us, too.
So, I was a little mad and confused, and in the next minute the kids were walking out the door of the school.
Before I knew what I was doing, I was out of my car and walking into her teachers house...Her teacher welcomed me in and asked what was up, and the next thing I know I open my mouth and can't speak. I find myself in this house that feels so comfy, and I'm standing in front of this lady who loves my daughter like her grandma's do, and then crocodile tears are flowing freely---and I'm astounded by the amount of water coming down my face...it was dripping down my chin and onto my chest---I was sobbing without any warning at all.
I couldn't believe it! And Zu's teacher couldn't believe it either...I told her in between sobs that Zuri didn't qualify for the TK program and how concerned and scared I felt. She just hugged me and rubbed my back while listening to the whole thing. It's funny now to think that I ended up snuggling Zuri's preschool teacher like she was my mom---But that's exactly what I needed in that moment and mine was so, so far away.
She gave me courage to fight it, to write a letter of appeal--to even march into the school and bawl to the staff just like I was bawling to her until someone paid attention. So, I did.
But the tears didn't stop when that was over.
I found myself crying over everything.
I went to yoga one night when Bronson and Landon were out of town, and I was so disappointed when I realized it was a 'Sundown Yoga' class and not the regular thing. The teacher was pretty much the guy from the Clear Eyes commercial with the most monotone, deep and boring voice ever, and the class consisted of 2 whopping leg stretches and a lot of child pose. I wasn't feeling it after 45 minutes and contemplated leaving until the Clear Eyes Allergy drops guy's voice started to engulf me.
I was hanging on to every word suddenly, feeling every stretch, and I became totally relaxed. The class was winding down and we were laying on our back--the Clear Eyes yogi was telling us to be present, to feel our feelings, feel our bodies, be grateful for who we are where we've been, and all of a sudden I'm lying there bawling all over again. Emotions I haven't felt in years surfaced and there I was just feeling all of them at once.

And the rest of the month I continued to cry.
I cried over Grey's Anatomy.
I cried over Zuri not knowing all of her letters.
And then, I cried over Zuri learning the letters she didn't know.
I cried cause the house is always messy.
I cried because I miss my family.
I cried over my old life in Utah, my friends, and all the fun we had.
I cried because I feel so loved.
I cried because I feel so grateful.
I cried because I stopped nursing Remi.
I cried because I know I'm been watched over.
I cried because my family is growing and evolving too fast.
I cried because I'm scared for whats to come.
I cried because I miss feeling silly and spontaneous.

I cried over the new and amazing people I have in my life now.
And after a lot of tears and thought, I think it all comes down to this:
A chapter in my families life is ending. I have a daughter entering school and I know that for the rest of her life and mine that she wont ever be as safe and as sheltered as she is hanging out with us. My husbands career is taking off and its clear we are no longer 18 years old anymore...I see him growing and excelling and I'm so proud of him--and, then I see weird lines in both our foreheads that surely weren't there just last year....
This growing older thing is crazy, right? Hopefully I'll get used to it one day.