Meet Hilda

I have an ego.
A big one.

You do, too.

We all do.

How we channel our ego is what differentiates us from being either huge a**holes, or pleasant people.

*side note: I've been doing a lot of reading on introverts. The subject is fascinating to me because I only recently found out that I am one. I've always had the misconception that being an introvert was a negative thing when in all actually, it's a pretty powerful and positive trait. You see, itroverts lack a certain need to have everything they think and say be validated. They simply know what they know, and other peoples opinions don't sway them.

I used to think 'introvert' meant that you're shy, don't communicate well, aren't outgoing..so on and so forth. I was groomed into thinking this all throughout childhood and adolescents because you hear from parents, teachers, and coaches to stand out from the crowd. To get up and say something! Join the group! Be outgoing! Get involved! Don't be shy! Shine!

Remember all these?

So when these principals of extreme outgoing-ness go against your nature, and you are pretty content just chilling by yourself---you tend to think something is wrong with you. Surely only people that are loud and boisterous are successful. Only the people who are brave enough to stand up and open their mouth are worth listening to, right?

Meh? This is iffy for me still. I'm not sure I buy into it.

Regardless though, I have pushed and continue to push myself out of my comfort zone throughout my whole life. In high school I went way beyond my comfort zone and became the school's MC. I would be the one standing in front the entire school at assemblies and pep rallies hyping up the crowd by chanting things like, "Zero 6! Zero 6!"

Did I care about being the center of attention? Nope, not one bit. I hated it....still do. It makes me want to barf and my face turns bright red. That's the real me. My true inner self.

Hi. My name is Weslie, and I like books and exploring new places, and being in front of people evokes bodily reactions in me. Nice to meet you.

-But I couldn't barf and be a tomato face in front of 3 thousand of my peers. So, I had to become someone I wasn't. I had to pretend to actually like that sort of stuff. I had to create a piece of me that was really excited about the year 2006 for some reason, then jump up and down with a huge smile on my face. I had to find that person within myself just so I didn't puke all over the gymnasium floor.

And voila! Meet my ego. I feel like it's time to name her.... She seems like a Bridgette. Or a Hilda.
I like Hilda.

So, Hilda gets rowdy. Hilda gets in peoples faces when push comes to shove. Hilda gets in front of her high school and she's also the one in front of the camera lens. Hilda gets jealous and anxious. Hilda can be mean. Sometimes Hilda thinks she needs things she actually doesn't to make her happy. But most importantly, Hilda just gets shit done.
She gets things done fast, and she gets them done efficiently, too. She's not afraid of anyone or anything.

My natural soul is such a lovey dovey, vibey, spirit junkie that it would be really easy for me to dismiss myself from society entirely. I could run around in scarce clothing on some far away hill with my kids and be totally content for forever. So do you see how I need Hilda? Not everyday....but she's a vital part of my introverted real self. She balances me out.

For Example: two days ago I went to Target. I was handing the clothes I had tried on back to the Target worker and my kids were by the cart. Long story short, a lady came up and started scolding Remi for taking off her shoes...It was obvious this woman had no idea I was these children's mother, and that I was watching her verbally go nuts on my kids. All of a sudden, this lady started reaching for my daughters hand with the shoes in them. She couldn't get her shoes because Remi moved away, so she aggressively grabbed Remi's arm. I mean aggressively.

A freaking stranger put her hands on one of my terrified children.

I saw red.
Then I growled.

Serious.

I growled.

Within 2 strides I was behind the lady and I felt like some crazed, primal animal making a noise that I cannot re-create if you paid me. The lady looked at me with huge, wide eyes then, literally, ran away. She. Ran. Away.
No words were needed between the two of us.

All that was Hilda. Not me. And I was so grateful for her in that instance. I needed her.

So, it turns out egos aren't always a**holes. If you can differentiate your true self from your ego self then life becomes a whole lot easier. Learn to utilize your ego for good, rather than a vehicle for your insecurities and bad mojo to get around, and I promise doors will open for you, my friends.


...and end rant.