Comedy of Errors

When we moved into our house, this is what it looked like from the road:

That’s because it’s buried behind 65 fucking trees! SIXTY. FIVE. Trees. And that’s just what’s on the side to the left of the driveway.

We decided to take down some of those trees because:

1) The only thing we can grow in that hot mess is leaves.

2) It is a breeding ground for copper heads, mosquitoes and ticks.

3) Every time Quinn or any other kid tried to walk through our yard, I all but had a panic attack that they would be eaten by a rattlesnake or sucked down into one of the many sink holes that were covered by rotting sticks, leaf mulch and compost.

4) If someone murders us in our sleep, I’d like the neighbors to realize it before they smell our rotting carcasses.

With the help of some friends, we took down 27 of those trees. However, there were still a few left that were too close to the power line all the way on the left side of the yard, and there were some that were too big for us to take down. We left them marked so that we could hire someone to take a look when we had the money to do it.

A few weeks later, some random guys showed up to our house with a couple of chainsaws and asked if we still needed some trees taken down since they saw the trees marked. I said we didn’t have the money for it, he said it would cost less than I thought, and after giving me an estimate of $350 for five tress (including taking away all the logs and brush!), he was at work.

After he started, he said he saw that one of the huge pines was dead and needed to come down, and he pointed out two other trees that were dead. He said he could do the other three for a total of $400. I was like, “Um, hellz yes.”

A half hour later, I am in bed trying to give Quinn a nap and hear a huge boom, the house rattles, and my husband says from the other room, “We have a problem.”

I jump up and come outside to find that the giant pine tree — which was in the middle of our yard — was now hanging off the power line and sparks were flying everywhere.

After they had cut the pine, it veered to the right, caught on the line, broke in half, and exploded its rotten carcass on the ground.

The leader of the group proceeds to grab the branch hanging out of the still sparking power line and tries to yank it with his hands out of the line.

My husband and I go out and point out to him that the branch is forked, hanging upside down, with one side of the fork stuck between the two branches of the power line. In other words, the only way he’s going to be able to pull down that tree is to pull down the power line on his head. Not smart.

He then sends up another guy who is working with him — who looks to be about 19 — into the tree beside the power line, hands him up a chainsaw and tells him to cut the branch out of the power line.

He does it. No sooner does he get the chainsaw in his hand than the branch he is standing on — about 20 feet off the ground — snaps from under him. He catches himself — !!! — and is hanging BY ONE ARM from a fucking rotted tree with a chainsaw in the other hand. Instead of getting off the tree, he pulls himself back up and gets on a higher branch.

This should have been his reaction:

Instead, he was all like:

Meanwhile, my husband and I were both like:

Then he proceeds to cut a giant rotting tree branch out of a sparking power line with a chainsaw while standing over said sparking power line on a rotted tree branch.

Seems totally legit.

Later, they “called for the truck” and showed up with a U-Haul to clear away our tree limbs and debris.

The leader of the group then proceeded to take an hour nap in the U-Haul while the others sort of cleaned up the brush. When he finally got out of the truck, he started walking down our street with the chainsaw in his hand. My husband and I are watching all this unfold from inside, and we just turn and look at each other like:

Turns out he was soliciting our neighbors. He convinced the guy two doors down to take down one of his giant pine trees also, then proceeded to crash it into another tree and spend the next two hours pulling it out.

When they finally cleaned up our yard and left, we also found this:

Not sure I want to know what he was doing in that U-Haul.

So, you know, if you want some trees taken down and don’t want to spend a lot of money and don’t mind that someone could possibly die in your front yard while doing it, I’ve got a GREAT recommendation for you!

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