Ask Jenny: Too close for comfort

Dear Jenny,

My husband and I live close to our families and see them regularly. Recently, I had a baby and my mother-in-law has been very pushy and controlling since he arrived. He is our first child and she’s making me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I understand she has experience, but it’s getting intrusive. How can I get her to back off?

— Sara from KY

Jenny says: I’m sure a lot of new mothers can relate to this question! It’s hard dealing with a pushy mother-in-law anyway, but it’s especially hard dealing with one when you have a newborn. While you and your husband are adjusting to parenthood, even under ideal circumstances, this transitional period can take its toll. Even the tiniest bit of criticism can feel like the first act of war when you’re sleep-deprived and figuring out how to handle a baby. Remember, most mothers-in-law have good intentions, even though their advice may be unwanted and seem like a big intrusion.

I’ve learned over the years that well-meaning relatives and friends may feel compelled to share their experiences and bits of wisdom. They do this to make sure you are doing things the “right” way — meaning, their way. For the sake of the family and peace of mind, there may be some comments or behaviors you will have let go. You have to pick your battles. Let the small things slide to alleviate tension; however, do not feel obligated to bite your tongue when it comes to more serious matters. You deserve respect, and there will be times when you have to assert yourself and enforce boundaries as needed.

When that time comes, communicate honestly with your mother-in-law. It is better to set clear expectations than to grow resentful toward her. You may not always be able to change her behavior, but hopefully with patience, understanding and love you will both be able to work together to establish a healthy relationship for everyone involved. Good luck!