The Bachelor Recap {Chris Soules – Episode 4}

Happy Friday, Bachelor Babes!

If this episode had a title, it would be Ashley I. is a virgin. Needless to say, this little storyline needs to move on along. Also, tent drama was no tent drama. I hate when promos lie!!

(Click here for recaps of episodes 1-3)

Let’s get started:

This week’s episode opened with Chris Harrison popping in the mansion to let the girls know that Chris S is still serious and sincere about the process. He solumnly reminds them that Chris “sees his wife in the room”. Or future ex-wife. Whatever.

He informs the girls that this week Chris’ one-on-one date will be decided by his sisters. No pressure or anything! He then drops off a group date card, which we all know will be full of what I call “Second String Contenders”. Basically, since they will be on the group date, they will not be eligible for the one-on-one chosen by Chris’ sisters.

And the reason they weren’t chosen to be eligible is because they are B (and C)-Listers. The end.

The group date card is addressed to: Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S, Ashley I, Juelia, Samantha, McKenzie and Kelsie.

The card reads, “Lets do what feels natural.” Ashley I. immediately begins stressing out about her make up. Can she wear make-up? Will she have to remove it later? Should she go put on her “Nature Ashley” costume? I mean, heaven forbid you hear “natural” and assume it means, oh I don’t know…NATURE??

The group hops in two convertibles to head out on their date. Of course Ashley I. manages to get the coveted passenger seat in Chris Soules’ car. It is at this point I notice that “natural” only applies to her clothing choices. Because she’s basically wearing her birthday suit. I spy a scrap of fabric that I think came from the toddler shorts department at Target, and a tiny bikini top. Well, if that doesn’t scream wife material, I don’t know what does.

The group arrives at a lake. Talk about a rip-off — they have access to gorgeous pools and beaches, and here they are frolicking in stagnant duck poop water.

Ashley I immediately begins her dramatics — this time because she doesn’t know how to get over her shyness. She finally decides to tackle it head on by removing her top. Yes, that’s what all farmer wives do — when they feel shy in a crowd, they just remove their tops. Kaitlyn decides to one up her by removing her bikini bottom. Kelsey, the school guidance counselor, begins to feel uncomfortable amongst all the nudity. Not a big Kelsey fan, but I kinda don’t blame her. Nothing like being on a naked date with a bunch of girls you barely know.

Back at the mansion, Chris’ sisters arrive. The girls get acquainted while Jillian snoozes outside in her bikini, Black Censor Square over her butt as usual. The girls go wake her up, and Jillian is mortified because she’s meeting Chris’ sisters in a tiny bikini. Ummm…she knows she’s been being filmed all this season, correct? And that it’s a nationally televised show with a large audience? Just checking.

The sisters begin interviewing the girls individually. Whitney gets her interview with the sisters first and it seems to go well. I can honestly see her hanging out with them and fitting right in. The other girls file in after her, one after one. None of the interviews are particularly memorable…until Jade. During the interview, I realize that she’s actually kind, genuine, and extremely interesting. Where has she been all season? It’s obvious that Whitney is no longer the only one to beat.

Back on date, Kelsey is not happy. The lake is too dirty. They group is insisting on playing stupid games of Red Rover. Her face is getting too skinny from smiling. She wants to stab herself with a fork. Then the group is informed that they will be camping at the lake ALL NIGHT, and then Kelsey gets stung by a wasp, practically in her private parts. This is very obviously NOT her night.

The girls are given tents to set up in one spot and are told that Chris will be right around the corner. This is an obvious Bachelor recipe for disaster. Or spectacular success, to be quite honest. I imagine Chris Harrison miles away, rubbing his hands to together and watching Chris’ tent footage from the Bachelor Cam in his mini mansion. You KNOW that happens!!

The one-on-one date card arrives at the mansion, and Britt is feeling confident. She states that she’s the frontrunner and is sure that the sisters saw it, too. To her surprise, the card is for…Jade. The card states that it will be a fairytale date and that Chris doesn’t know who his princess will be. Cue crazy jealousy — poor Jade now has a target on her back.

Back at the campgrounds, the group is grilling and sitting around a fire. The girls begin splitting off with Chris for one on one time. Chris starts with Kaitlyn. As usual, they get along and have good conversation.

Meanwhile, Kelsey is sitting around the campfire, nursing her wounds and pouting. When it’s time for her one-on-one time with Chris, it’s like someone flipped a switch. She smiles, she laughs maniacally — she has a future in horror films, I’ll tell you that much. Ashley S. also gets her allotted time with Chris and chooses to spend it making crazy eyes and vague, nonsensical statements. If she doesn’t go home this week, I will be SHOCKED. Also, she’s either an actress or on drugs.

Ashley I pulls Chris aside and tells him she has a huge crush on him. They proceed to make out, which for them means that she devours his entire face while I watch between my fingers over my eyes. They head back to the group and she’s SHOCKED when Chris gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn. She felt so good about their time together and had no idea that Kaitlyn was even remotely a threat. She realizes that she needs to up the ante and drop the virgin bomb on him. Maybe this will right the situation.

Once the group is settled in their tents and sleeping soundly, Ashley I creeps over to Chris’ tent. She then tells him that he need to understand that she’s innocent and has never had a boyfriend before (apparently she learned the face eating kissing from nonboyfriends?) Chris replies that he’s always seen her as smart and well rounded. She tells him that she’s a mystery — guys can’t ever figure her out because despite her insane hotness, she’s a total inexperienced nerd. She seems to be blinking out “I’m a virgin” in Morse code, but Chris is exhausted, half asleep and confused. She leaves the tent saying that she thinks she got her point across but if she didn’t, he can “probe at the area further later on”. Yes, she actually said that. And yes, there are so many ways to respond to that that I honestly can’t even choose just one.

It is at this point that I realize that THAT was the tent drama. WHAT?? THAT IS ALL THE TENT DRAMA???

Disappointing.

The girls return home the next day to the news that Jade was chosen for princess date. Ashley I is upset. She says that had SHE met the sisters, it would have gone to her because they would have seen that she’s a Disney princess. I’m wondering if anyone has explained animation to her? Add that to the list, right under How to Locate Adult Sized Clothing in a Department Store. The prep team arrives to get Jade ready for ball. They’ve filled an entire room with gorgeous dresses, shoes and jewelry. The girls stand there watching Jade try on gowns and glass slippers with their mouths hanging open. Kelsey, who has nothing to show for her date except a bee sting near her privates, is distraught. Ashley I. is devastated, not understanding that she is officially second string and never had a chance of being on this date with Chris. Jade finally emerges in her gown, looking absolutely gorgeous. A car picks her up and she heads to meet Chris.

Chris is in the ballroom practicing his dance moves, and it becomes obvious that this date is a Cinderella Movie commercial in disguise. He waits at the bottom of a massive staircase to see who emerges and looks happy and surprised to see Jade. As the camera pans away from Jade gliding down the staircase in her heels, I wonder how long it took her to get down. Did Chris watch her the whole time? How awkward. If I was her I would have just scooted down on my butt or something. Twisted ankles are no joke.

Back at the mansion, Ashley I is wearing a princess dress that she had brought on the off chance she got a princess date. She wanders from room to room while the other girls lounge in yoga pants and laugh at her. Ashley I. is inconsolable, nibbling on a large cob of corn to help ease the pain.

Back on the date, Chris and Jade hit it off, having a great time and good conversation. Chris gives Jade the date rose, then takes her to a room where a live orchestra is playing. They climb on a platform and dance, while a large movie screen comes on, showing a dancing scene from the Cinderella movie. I keep waiting for one of them to say, ‘hey, is that Rose from Downton Abbey dancing with Robb Stark?’ but neither of them does. This honestly makes me question my feelings for Chris. Could I have a future with a man who doesn’t recognize or seem to care about one of the Starks? I’m just not sure.

Back at the mansion, the group date card arrives, addressed to: Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt, and Becca. It reads: let’s get dirty.

Outside the mansion are big boxes with the girls’ names on them. The boxes contain wedding dresses. The girls put them on and get in the limo to head for date, which turns out to be at Muckfest – a Mud and Obstacle Run. The winner gets to spend the evening on a one-on-one date with Chris. Jillian is obviously thrilled, knowing she has an advantage over the other girls. I also notice that her dress is by far the shortest in the bunch, making me wonder if the producers gave her an advantage on purpose.

Chris does the course with the girls, as Jillian takes a huge lead. Chris helps the other girls on the course, holding their hands and talking with them as they make their way through. I get the feeling that he’s putting off his inevitable date with Jillian, which isn’t going to go anywhere.

Sure enough, Chris and Jillian have dinner and it’s spectacularly awkward. Chris is obviously bothered by her lack of 5 year plan, but she’s oblivious, dominating the conversation with stories about her workouts and fitness competitions. At one point, Jillian asks if he’d rather have sex with a homeless girl or have no sex for five years. WHO ASKS THAT ON FIRST DATE?? A first date ON CAMERA, no less? And this is the girl who was mortified to be seen in a tiny bikini in front of his sisters?

I am not shocked, but Jillian is when Chris does not give her the date rose. Jillian cries and tries to attribute the issue to her nerves, but Chris remains steady and sends her on her way.

Finally it’s time for the cocktail party!!

It’s evident pretty early on that the party is going to be themed Did You Know Ashley I Is A Virgin. It’s all she will talk about, upset because she’s realized that Chris didn’t understand from her weird conversation in the tent. She’s practically foaming at the mouth over the prospect of telling him, convinced that once he finds out, he will realize that she’s marriage potential and she will get all the princess dates.

She finally pulls Chris aside, and after a bunch of awkward tiptoeing around the subject, tells him she’s a virgin. She tells him that some times people guess it about her, which makes me wonder what kind of games she plays at parties. Chris hugs her and tells her he respects her, then he moves on to spend one-on-one time with someone else.

Ashley I. runs off crying, upset that they didn’t engage in their usual make-out session. She runs around the house in her princess dress, sobbing over the fact that her virginity obviously “scares” him. She later decides that he must want a promiscuous girl, and gathers herself together. She then joins the group of girls and drops dramatically drops her virgin trump card for those who hadn’t heard. Becca then casually mentions that she is a virgin also, shrugging and adding, “I don’t know, it’s just a decision I made” and changing the subject. At that point I watch Ashley I. completely deflate. Sorry, Ash. You’re going down.

Meanwhile, bubbly Britt isn’t so bubbly. Angry because she hasn’t talked to Chris all week and feeling particularly jealous of Kaitlyn, she has some questions for Chris. When she finally gets him alone, she confronts him about giving Kaitlyn the camping group date rose after she had removed her bikini bottoms earlier in the day. She tells him that he was “rewarding bad behavior”. I guess she is a kindergarten teacher when she’s not busy handing out free hugs in Hollywood. It is obvious that she is extremely jealous of Kaitlyn and has realized that she is not the only frontrunner after all. Their time together is more or less wasted when Chris leaves their conversation abruptly, not kissing her. Britt is left confused and upset.

After gathering himself, Chris goes in the room full of women and announces that he is there for right reasons. He tells them that if anyone questions that, they can go home. The girls are confused, wondering what brought this on, and Britt sits there pretending not to know.

Finally, it’s time for roses. Roses go to:

Whitney

Carly

Megan

Samantha

McKenzie

Kelsie

Becca

Ashley I

Britt

Going home: Juelia, Crazy Ashley S., and some girl I don’t recognize (was she here all season??).

Chris actually walks Juelia out himself, which is something he hasn’t done this season. You might remember that Juelia is the widow with a child. Chris looks her in the eye and tells her how wonderful she is and how thankful he was for their time together. It was actually a super sweet gesture.

Next week the dates are in Santa Fe. Mt. Kelsey seems to erupt spectacularly!! I’ll be watching!

The post The Bachelor Recap {Chris Soules – Episode 4} appeared first on Confessions of a Cookbook Queen.

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