My Crazy Meds Are Making Me Crazy

I've talked about my anxiety before, but for those of you who haven't read my previous posts, I used to have anxiety so bad I would be driving down the road and would have to pull over suddenly because I felt like I was about to pass out at the wheel. I felt jittery and almost like I was outside myself looking in.
I would be sitting at lunch and would just feel so...out of it. It felt like my head was fuzzy and my brain was made out of clouds. I was always aware of how I was feeling, and aware that I shouldn't be feeling this way and that it was abnormal and that it totally sucked.
Besides just feeling "weird" from time to time, I also had panic attacks, usually at night when I was trying to go to sleep. Before I was aware of what they were, I honestly thought I was dying of a heart attack or irregular heart palpitations. After I realized that they were panic attacks, I was able to tell myself so and try and calm myself down with deep breathing. Just knowing it's not a heart attack and I'm not really going to die is half the battle right there.
The other half I remedied with medication. Anti-anxiety meds that helped tremendously, at first, until they didn't. After a year or so, most that I was taking started to wear off, so I would be put on a new pill and if that worked, great, if it didn't, I would be put on a new pill.
And so on.
Then I found one that worked amazing. Almost zero side effects. My insurance covered it in full. Then Obama rocked my world and took it all away from me. Which created a firestorm of trial and error... mostly error. Because let's be honest...there are so many side effects to these drugs. And after a while, I just got sick and tired of switching and trying and hoping and praying that maybe this time would be the time it would really work!
I mean, let's be honest here. We have all heard the prescription med commercials where at the very end, they speak in ebonics and lightning fast speed about the possible side effects that could occur...such as memorylossdisorientationdepressionimpairedthinkingnauseablurredordoublevisionANDEVENDEATH. (Said really really really really fast so hopefully you don't catch half of what they are saying and still purchase said pill anyway.)
Uh. What?
Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not knocking anxiety/any other kind of prescription drugs. They have helped me (relative) for years, and who knows, I may be back on them in the future, maybe even the near. But today? For now? Right now?
I'm going off it all. Completely just done with it.
I had a doctor appointment last week and the current medication I was on is one that can be stopped cold turkey. It also happened to be one that made me more crazy. It made me more anxious and it caused me to feel quite often like I was outside of my body...hovering above and looking down at my physical self. It's hard to explain but I'm sure all you fellow anxious peeps know exactly what I am talking about.
And so after 13 years of relying on anti-anxiety meds, give or take the two 9-month stints when I was pregnant, I'm departing my relationship with my happy little (relative) helper and going at it alone. Just me, myself and crazy I.
It's only been five days since I stopped. Doc said the meds should be totally out of my system within a week, so we shall see in the next few days how I really feel living in the real world like a normal (???) person. I'm actually pretty excited not to have to worry about taking a pill every day at the same time just to function.

I know I will have to deal with certain situations, and like my doctor said, for people who have anxiety, it is like their nervous system is on high alert. When I would tell him that at times it felt like my heart was stopping and starting again, or literally skipping a beat, he said that in all reality, our hearts sometimes really do stop and start again. He compared it to the inner workings of a vehicle...things don't always go exactly right or as planned and gears strip out here or there but the vehicle keeps on keeping on. He told me that is exactly how our bodies work, but people who aren't high anxiety don't pay attention or focus in on the mundane things, like every strip of the inside of our bodies, but for the anxious ones, it stops us in our tracks and makes us think the very worst.
Which is exactly why I have chosen to go on medication in the past. And I'm glad I did, but right now, I trust in my body. And that eating the right foods and exercising and keeping a healthy mind and body can greatly improve my quality of life.
Besides, I totally saw a pinterest meme that said eating cashews has the same effect as taking anxiety meds.
So from now on I'll just be over here eating all the cashews.


Written by Raven Smith