Forever alone

I don’t date. I never really understood the concept and sometimes I am convinced that I am better off alone. Not out of bitterness, just out of pure preference. I seem to dislike everything people like about being romantically involved with someone and I’ve never felt the need to purposely meet new people for the sake of meeting them. I started meeting people from the internet at the age of thirteen but it always just… happened. I never understood the concept of websites that were specifically designed for meeting people.

It all changed when I became more and more jealous of my friends for spending hours on Gay Romeo and Grindr, feeling like I’m missing out on something cool. I’m not even into guys sending me dick pics every day. I don’t want to meet new people. I don’t want to hook up with them or “date” them or whatever. I’d much rather be on my own. So I don’t even know what made me sign up to OkCupid a while ago. “It’s more like a game!” my friend said to me the other day. You’re keen on completing your profile so you have to upload a photo, answer questions write messages and rate people until you’ve probably already had five dates and have found a potential hook-up, even though all you wanted was to complete that fucking profile.

I spent a boring afternoon answering around 500 questions until I felt like I was ready. So I did my first match search. It’s not a secret Berlin is pretty much the biggest village on the planet and people all know eachother without exception, but when I looked at the results I was shocked. Five guys that were suggested to me with a match of 90 percent or higher were guys I already knew. Not super well, more in a friends-of-friends kinda way, but still. Awkward. I was convinced that they would instantly recognise me and think I’m on there to look for a date. Awkward. Not that online dating is wrong in any way but … me? Maybe I should put at little note on my profile that I’m not actually there for dating? Like back in the last days of MySpace when we would all create fancy profiles and put a big “I don’t actually use MySpace.” disclaimer on there? After all, social dating apps and networks have become so mainstream these days that literally everybody is swiping through Tinder and networking on OkCupid without the intention of even finding a match.

I feel like I have to constantly justify myself for not wanting all those things and it’s probably just happening in my head. But when does “You’re so young, just wait!” eventually turn into “Oh well, I guess that’s just the way you are”?

Photo: Chris