Sweatpants Are For Winners

An article just came out stating that Philadelphians are prone to wearing sweatpants more than any other state. Apparently these numbers were acquired by looking into sweatpant sales. Yeah. Because we don’t have more pressing matters to look into, let’s DEFINITELY check out the sweatpant market. It’s really important, you guys, you don’t even know.

The thing about sweatpants is people immediately think of a slob, or a recently heart broken chick eating Ben and Jerry’s on her couch, or the most unattractive suitor on the planet, or old people wearing matching sweatsuits, or people who truly just gave up on life. Or in Regina George’s case, “sweatpants are all that fits me right now.”

But you know what, not really the case, people, not really the case. Sweatpants will for forever and always rule. And if you don’t own at least five pairs, you’re a moron. After a long day, I may look all chic and put together, but God dammit the minute I step into my house, I turn into the biggest sweatpant rocking, stain covered, hair in messy bun hot mess you could ever imagine. You know how Olivia Pope goes home after a long day and puts on her white jammies and sips red wine all quaffed and shit? Yeah. No. Not real life.

But sweatpants aren’t just for lazy people and slackers, my friends. Check it, sweats are now super fashionable and totally acceptable to wear with heels. Because, you know, Rhianna said so. And no, I’m not talking about sweats you bought at Walmart pairing them with your favorite Loubs. Come on.

But there is sweatpant etiquette to follow. People used to make fun of me in high school and college because I rarely wore sweats out in public, or even to class. Well, not counting when I fell down the Juicy Couture velour sweatsuit rabbit hole, but I mean who didn’t? It was the early 2000’s, give me a break.

Unless you are rocking a pair of fashion-forward sweats that cost more than $30 that you saw in a fashion mag, I say don’t wear them out in public. It is okay to have sweats for different occasions. Ones for when you eat too much, ones for when you’re sick, ones for just straight lounging all day (i.e. my cat pajamas), ones for when you want to take a fashion risk, ones for doing housework … I mean so on and so forth.

So hold your heads high, Philadelphians. It doesn’t mean you are slob kabobs. It just means you take risks with fashion and are comfortable people, which makes you rule at life. But I swear if I see any of you wearing $10 sweats to da club, I will smack you in public.